Tom Cleverley has had an awful season, he's regressed hugely, and the team in general is struggling and doesn't need any trouble or anyone rocking the boat. So what better way for Tom to reignite our season by giving a lengthy interview talking about what a great player he is and how Moyes was wrong to drop him against Fulham?
Some choice quotes from an utterly embarrassing and shameful interview:
"My job goes under the radar at times. I am not a player who's going to beat three or four people and stick it in the top corner or go round tackling people like Roy Keane. I would like the fans on my side and it hurts a little bit when you have grown up at the club and love the club every bit as much as the supporters."
Based on watching how you play, Tom, I really, really doubt that. As well as, you know, the fact you've decided to take a break from a complete disaster of a season to talk about how great you are.
"I feel I've been made a scapegoat a little bit. A few people in the media certainly seem to have a perception of me not doing much in the team. Don't get me wrong, I know I can do better but people are making a big thing about how I don't score enough goals when that is not necessarily my first job in the team."
"Isn't necessarily my first job in the team." Guess what question Holty didn't ask next.
"There is a bitter irony attached to the scapegoating of Cleverley: English fans clamoured for a young player who keeps possession and moves the ball quickly and efficiently in transition and then, when they got one, they have tried to run him out of town."
"United fans might want to see Cleverley in a box-to-box role, bursting forward, getting ahead of the ball. But that is not the role David Moyes has asked him to play. Moyes wants him in a disciplined position as one of two holding midfielders and Cleverley has worked hard to adapt his game to follow his manager's instructions."
Jesus christ, maybe it is all Moyes' fault then, if he's gone out and told Cleverley "run away from the ball at all times, only play passes backwards or sideways, don't get into the box and don't try and tackle anyone."
"'What Is The Point of Tom Cleverley?' is another common refrain on social media. Well, put it this way, if Cleverley had been on the pitch, Steve Sidwell would not have been allowed to drift unmarked into the box and score Fulham's first goal on Sunday evening."
Two things here. One: yes he would've, and two, is "might stop Steve Sidwell" all the CV a Manchester United midfielder is supposed to need nowadays? Jesus christ.
"I watch Spanish football a lot. If they pass the ball sideways but keep possession, the fans clap them. Their attitude is that as long as you have got the ball, the other team can't hurt you. I know the mentality is different here and that is what makes our game the best in the world because it is so intense. But sometimes I have got to not listen and play my game because I feel I'm doing the best thing for the team."
He genuinely thinks he's Xavi. That is literally what he thinks.
In short: Tom, just please, please, please, please, please, please, please go to Sunderland as soon as possible. I hope your injury is a lengthy and painful one.