United boldly go where no team has gone before

Alex Livesey

A quirk in US television scheduling reveals the shocking truth about Manchester United's woeful season.

Manchester United, as you've doubtless noticed, haven't been very good this season. Indeed, so bad have they played at times, that it's hard been not to wonder if something else wasn't going on. Something weird. Something sinister. Something ... other.

Had the playing squad that won the league last season been, over the summer, colonised by pro-City aliens? Or had Old Trafford had been cursed by a vengeful and sorcerous Liverpool fan? Perhaps an ancient evil had been awoken by Marouane Fellaini's clumsy stumbling, or Steve Round's place had been taken by a replicant.

And it turns out we were right! United's last game of the season will be broadcast, in the USA at least, on SyFy, a channel usually devoted to the joys of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Smallville, and the various incarnations of Star Trek (apart from Enterprise, which was terrible). On the surface, it appears that this is down to nothing more ominous than NBC needing to find space on its networks for ten simultaneous games, but we know different. Something's been going on, and in this final episode we're about to find out the Truth.

Very much looking forward to the giant crab monster bursting out of Michael Carrick.

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