for …Fantasy Twatball 2014?
Yes, it’s back… the most intellectually-rewarding and exciting fantasy league in this admittedly slim genre of badly-put-together online leagues, for those who recognise the FIFA World Cup for the cosmopolitan festival of International Twatting-About it surely is.
Thrill as Casillas livens up another interminably dull passage of Spanish possession by missing the ball and punching Sergio Ramos into row F. Marvel as Wayne Rooney’s syrup becomes Angry and Confused by Fellaini’s luxurious but emotionally unsatisfying head of hair. Gasp as Luis Suarez literally eats his way through the Dutch defence. Feel your heart leap for joy as in the dying seconds of a ignominious and soul-destroying nil-nil dead-rubber between the other bottom team and England, Stevie G inexplicably slips on his own tears and assassinates a linesman whilst blowing his nose on a fuzzy-felt representation of Ryan Giggs. Watch the heart-rending tragedy of Yaya Toure poignantly staring at Brazilian cakes HE WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO EAT.
Points for conceding goals, cards, diving, being a Big Fool on and off the field… and minus marks for the usual dreary stuff that gets you lot so excited about your fantasy leagues, winning etc etc. There’s no changing your team once it’s in either, so we don’t have to sit through your usual, endless, mind-numbing lunchtime tactical-analyses of your squad rotation. Top-tip though…you need to think about picking at least some players who are in teams which will get into the knockout stages… doing something catastrophically stupid always scores more points than goals conceded, something I’ve always tried to carry throughout my career of mine that I have of mine.
I’ve created a mini-league: Prawn Sandwiches, which you should join immediately without thought or self-respect, if you fancy it. Go to the ‘enter’ tab at the top and register, followed by the ‘leagues’ tab to join the Prawns. Then pick your team. Really…do I have to babysit you through all this?
YOU MUST SELECT YOUR TEAM BY 20:00 UTC (19:00 BST) ON THURSDAY 12 JUNE
Please feel free to pass this on to any interested parties/others despairing of life.
Here’s to a great and petty World Cup