If you're reading, Arsene, Jose, this is how you do it. None of this half-hearted, hold-me-back pushing on the sidelines. Oh no. This is how differences should be settled:
He said: 'I've had enough of you, It's time we sorted this out.' So I said 'Okay' and we had a fight. It felt like 10 minutes. There was a lot of noise - Peter's a big lad.
Peter is Peter Schmeichel, and so "big lad" is something of the understatement. But if there's one United player you'd back to take on Schmeichel and at least achieve an honourable draw, it's Roy Keane, whose second book is out today and includes the tale above.
I had a bust-up with Peter when we were on a pre-season tour of Asia, in 1998, just after I came back from my cruciate injury. I think we were in Hong Kong. There was drink involved. There'd been a little bit of tension between us over the years, for football reasons. Peter would come out shouting at players, and I felt sometimes he was playing up to the crowd: 'Look at me!' He was probably doing it for concentration levels, but I felt he did it too often, as if he was telling the crowd: 'Look what I have to deal with'.
Who won? Keane isn't entirely sure ...
I woke up the next morning. I kind of vaguely remembered the fight. My hand was really sore and one of my fingers was bent backwards. The manager had a go at us as we were getting on the bus, and people were going on about a fight in the hotel the night before. It started coming back to me - the fight between me and Peter. In the meantime, Nicky Butt had been filling me in on what had happened the night before. Butty had refereed the fight. Anyway, Peter had grabbed me, I'd head-butted him - we'd been fighting for ages.
A reminder: Peter Schmeichel is 6'3" tall, and roughly the same distance across the shoulders. Still, despite Keane holding his own in the face of an obvious physical mismatch, Alex Ferguson was not impressed.
The first day back at the training ground, the manager pulled myself and Peter into his office. He knew exactly where we'd fought - I think he mentioned the 27th floor. He told us that we were a disgrace to the club, and that we'd woken Bobby Charlton up, that Bobby had come out of his room and seen us. Peter took responsibility for the fight, which was good. I admired him for it. But Sir Bobby could have tried to break it up."
More revelations are being, er, revealed over at the Mirror. Anybody thinking of getting this? TBB is quite tempted; Keane is more interesting than most ex-footballers, and his co-writer Roddy Doyle a cut above most sporting ghostwriters.