BREAKING: Manchester United footballer UNINJURED

Check the shotgun. Round up your loved ones. Keep the engine running. Watch the horizon. And at the first sign of anything — black clouds banking high in the sky, plumes of dust rising from the dirt tracks, a strange keening sound on the edge of hearing — get in your car, get out of here, get to higher ground, get away. The end is not nigh, good people. The end is here.

A MANCHESTER UNITED PLAYER DOES NOT HAVE AN INJURY

Wayne Rooney, to be precise. He Who Leads sat out yesterday's game against Stoke City with a bang on his knee, one the Louis van Gaal estimated was "not too heavy", albeit with the caveat that he is "not a doctor". But doctor or not, he was right: Rooney has had a scan, no damage has been found, and he will presumably return to the United starting XI on Monday night to face Southampton.

Which means that things might be about to get interesting up front. Of the two starters against Stoke, it was James Wilson who made the biggest impression on the game; his pace and energy made his partner, Robin van Persie, look pretty creaky. And with Radamel Falcao's fitness presumably on the rise as well, somebody notable's going to have to sit on the bench with a face on.

Look at all that. Options in the squad. Excuse tBB while we nail these pieces of wood over the windows ...