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EXCLUSIVE: Manchester United to spend more money than has ever existed

Hummels, Laporte, Godin, Alves, Robben, Strootman, Reus, Gotze, Falcao, eggs, bread, cigs, milk ...

By Andi Thomas
Alex Livesey/Getty Images

Economists and experts were left baffled today as a highly-specific, ultra-virulent form of super-inflation swept the northwest of England.

"We're baffled," said Calamity Flan, Professor of gargantua-economics of the University of Peckham. "We've seen hyperinflation on national and international scales before, but this something else. It seems to be affecting one specific, unknowable amount of money - Manchester United's transfer budget - and is increasing by a quite startling £50m every hour."

"There's a lot of strange working out going on here," explains Flan. "For instance, one course suggests United are looking to purchase Diego Godin, Mats Hummels and Aymeric Laporte, who all play in the same position. Another seems to think that United might be splashing £20m or more on Arjen Robben, who is thirty years old. Some people are counting backwards to include money already spent. Some are including wages; others aren't."

"It's quite concerning," she continues. At the current rate of expansion, we estimate that Manchester United will have spent all the money currently existing by a week Tuesday, and by the following Friday will have spent all the money that ever existed. At which point, our projections suggest that the world will cease to exist in any meaningful sense, and all that will be left is Louis van Gaal's giant, laughing head, orbiting the sun, awaiting the heat death of the universe, planning a swoop for Nathaniel Clyne."

"Alternatively," adds Flan. "People might want to calm down a bit."

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