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Revealed! The real reasons Louis van Gaal and Ronald Koeman don't get on

The Premier League's managerial Dutchmen are famously intolerant of one another ...

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Manchester United play Southampton tonight, and as you may heard, the two managers, Louis van Gaal and Ronald Koeman, don't exactly get on. Here's a piece explaining why in FourFourTwo. And here's one in the Guardian. Oh, and the Independent. And the Telegraph. And, er, the Times. And, oh, here's one in Bunty.

All of them are wrong. Here, the Busby Babe can exclusively reveal the real reasons why Van Gaal and Koeman don't get on.

• Koeman thinks Kevin Strootman is "alright, nothing special";

• While at Ajax, Koeman once accidentally called Van Gaal "Mummy," and Van Gaal laughed for ages, then called everybody over and told them, and they all laughed too;

• Van Gaal is a bad loser on Yahoo! Chess;

• At Barcelona, Van Gaal asked Koeman several times to be more careful with his wheeled suitcase, yet Koeman didn't seem to take this onboard and Van Gaal frequently tripped over his younger compatriots luggage;

• Louis van Gaal like to use an umbrella to keep the rain off his head, whereas Koeman takes the view that human beings are perfectly waterproof, that carrying a spiked club at face height would be an arrestable offence under any other circumstances, and that it is not acceptable for a person to privilege their haircut over somebody else's eyeballs;

• Koeman refers to the triangular pieces on plastic in Trivial Pursuit as "pieces of pie," while Van Gaal prefers "cheeses";

• At the cinema, Van Gaal applauds when the film ends;

• At Barcelona, somebody kept rearranging the magnetic counters on all the tactics boards into rude shapes, and while Koeman has always denied being responsible, Van Gaal has his suspicions;

• Van Gaal once finished off the milk but didn't say anything, and Koeman had to drink his tea black;

• Koeman once spent an entire week singing "Zombie" by the Cranberries, then defended himself by saying it was "catchy" and that he "thought it was an important song with a good message";

• Van Gaal does not like cheese.

So now you know. And if you see Van Gaal keeping his mini-tactics folder away from his opposite number this evening, well, we told you so.