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United press ahead with ridiculous friendly plan

In the event that United miss out on European football, reports confirm that the club is still considering playing a series of lucrative friendlies.

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Victor Fraile

The shotgun roared, and the monster fell back. TBB breathed a sigh of relief. Was it over? Was it finally over? For a second, everything was silent. Then it came. The heartsinking, bloodchilling groan. The creature — the dripping, malevolent thing — was still alive. Still not dead. Still whatever it was. And it was crawling towards TBB, ragged arms pulling it forward, somehow moving quicker than ever ...

According to the Daily Telegraph's Mark Ogden, Manchester United's plan to play a series of high-profile friendlies next season, in the place where European football would normally be, is shambling ahead in defiance of common sense.

Despite United's fall from grace in the Premier League this season, where they currently lie seventh and outside a Europa League qualification berth, the club would still be able to command seven-figure sums by accepting invitations to play fixtures outside of Europe.

However, Ogden identifies one potential stumbling block: United would need permission from the FA, which in turn would have to comply with Uefa and Fifa regulations designed to "safeguard the integrity and prestige" of the Leagues Champions and Europa. Potential stumbling blocks not apparently considered include the fact that this is a stupid idea, the fact that this is a stupid idea, and the fact that this is a stupid idea. Extra recovery time? Extra coaching time? Nah. Let's fly everybody out to Malaysia.

... Why won't this thing die? TBB swore and fumbled two more shells into the chamber. But too late, too late. It was upon him, the stink of rot and death was around him. Palsied, cold fingers closed around his neck. The world went black.