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Louis van Gaal and the "cohesive talent review process"

Following the unfortunate sunsetting of David Moyes, United's global partner Aon has emerged from the thought shower confident that Louis van Gaal epitomises the core competencies that will enable him to harness the synergies of the organisation and deliver actionable results for the major stakeholders moving forward, moving forward.

Alex Livesey

Big news, guys. Aon, the name on the front of United's shirts that isn't Sharp, has had its say on the appointment of Louis van Gaal:

Announcement Demonstrates Manchester United's Ability to Attract Leaders and Recruit Talent

Yes. Yes it does.

Aon plc, the global partner of Manchester United and the leading provider of global risk management and human resources solutions, today congratulated Louis van Gaal on being named the new manager of Manchester United.

There is something deeply chilling about the phrase "human resources solutions". And we're sure Louis will be thrilled to hear from you.

"It is an incredible honor when someone is selected as the manager of Manchester United," said Phil Clement, Aon's global chief marketing and communications officer. "It is the world's team in the world's game, and a brand that inspires people in every corner of the world."

"Come along and you will see / Branding honed by Matt Busby / At Manchester ... Manchester United! / We've taken the words "football club" off the badge / M. Potato will be delighted."

"Attracting top external talent and developing a deep internal bench are both skills that are critical to an organization's long-term success, and these issues are particularly acute for high performance organizations like Manchester United ..."

Developing a deep internal bench is quite the most delicate euphemism for a gastric ulcer that we can recall. And if it's particularly acute, then you should really get that seen to.

... said Pete Sanborn, co-president, performance, reward and talent, Aon Hewitt.

"And what do you do?" "I'm co-president, performance, reward and talent." "That's just a list of words! You're just saying words!" "No I'm not, fig leaf, marjoram, Renaissance."

"Implementing a cohesive talent review process which constantly strives to identify and develop leadership potential throughout the organization creates a welcome sense of security for any organization," added Sanborn.

Louis van Gaal brings many, many things to United. But if a sense of security is one of them, tBB will be very surprised.

"Manchester United is to be commended for its business-like approach in filling important roles with a manager of van Gaal's stature and high performance."

No, Manchester United are not to be commended, because that is the very, very least that Manchester United should be expected to do. After all, what kind of joke of a club would install a manager who evidently lacked both the stature and high performance to do the job ... oh. Oh, right.

Aon also applauded the announcement of Ryan Giggs as Assistant Manager. "Ryan is an icon at Manchester United," said Clement. "His recognition of the need to develop young talent as demonstrated by his insertion of James Wilson and Tom Lawrence into the starting eleven against Hull will continue to serve Manchester United well."

See! See! They watch the games!

For reference, here is what Aon said when David Moyes was appointed:

"The ability to attract and develop high performing talent on and off the pitch is the hallmark of any successful organization and this is something we have witnessed first-hand at Manchester United since we became their global partner in 2010."

"Shall we do a new statement, lads?" "Nah, just mix the old one up a bit." "Done. Could you leverage me another cup of coffee?"