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Van Gaal to use Dutch connection to sign new Ronaldo?

According to the latest, freshest rumours, United's new boss is targeting PSV Eindhoven's exciting young winger Memphis Depay.

Dean Mouhtaropoulos

That's right. The new Ronaldo. You got a problem with that?

Ahem. Memphis Depay is 20 years old, powerful, quick, skilful, kicks the ball really hard, likes to choot from everywhere, and takes freekicks in a manner that will definitely remind you of somebody or other, forget his name, Portuguese bloke. He currently plays for PSV Eindhoven, for who he scored 13 goals last season, and the Dutch national team. Who are managed by ... oh, look! Louis van Gaal!

Two plus two equals a £15m swoop! At least, that's what the Sun and the Express reckon. This chimes with wider reports that United, as well as addressing the obvious holes in the centre of defence and midfield, are looking to add some pace to the slowest United team in living memory. Sit down, Ashley, you're part of the problem.

Frankly, if Van Gaal he isn't (ab)using his position as coach of the Netherlands to give United the inside track on a few of the prospects in the Dutch squad, then tBB will be surprised and disappointed in equal measure. He's got form when it comes to importing his compatriots; he signed Arjen Robben when he moved to Bayern, and imported six Dutch players to Barcelona when he left Ajax. And his latest international squad is absolutely packed with Dutchmen.

File under: eminently plausible; enthusiasm to be determined by the contents of Youtube; doesn't PSV's shirt look lovely?