United players rage at Van Gaal's substitutions — reports

After the catastrophe, the inquest. Most of the English press has agreed that there was a certain amount of shouting in the Manchester United dressing room after Sunday's hideous, hilarious collapse against Leicester City. Only to be expected, really. Can't have been a happy place.

The Daily Mail, though have gone one further, and found themselves a source with excellent hearing:

Manchester United stars slammed the substitution of Angel di Maria during a fiery dressing-room inquest after their shocking 5-3 defeat at Leicester ... During scenes described by one source at the King Power Stadium as ‘very heated', a United player was heard to say: 'Why the f*** did we substitute Di Maria?'

Now, you might be thinking that this question sounds a little odd. That since Di Maria was presumably in there as well, this mystery player might well have shouted something along the lines of "Why the fuck did we substitute him?" Or since they've all been working with Di Maria for a few weeks now and have presumably made it to first name terms "Why the fuck did we substitute Angel?" But that would mean doubting the Daily Mail, so shame on you.

No, the interesting and frustrating oversight on the Mail's part is that they've neglected to include the answer. So we're going to try and guess what Louis van Gaal — we're assuming it was directed at him — might have said in response:

• "He was fucking injured."

• "He was fucking knackered."

• "I was fucking hoping that Juan — sorry, 'Mata', since we're being all formal — could help us hold on to the ball better."

• "It was 3-3 at that point. Why the fuck did you fall asleep twice more?"

• "I AM THE IRON TULIP. YOU WILL NOT QUESTION MY DECISIONS. LOOK AT MY BALLS. LOOK AT THEM."

• "Because he was on the fucking point of disembowelling Mark Clattenburg with a spoon."

Sadly, his response will remain forever shrouded in mystery.