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Manchester United named second most valuable club in the world

Fourth in England in the actual football, but second in the world when it comes to the money. All hail Manchester United. All hail Ed Woodward.

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We know what you're here for. It's not the glory. It's not the goals. It's not the promise of wonderful football, the dream of football taught by Matt Busby. No. You're here for the money. So are we. And so is Manchester United.

Which is why we assume that Ed Woodward has spent all morning masturbating enthusiastically into his cornflake bowl. Manchester United, you see, have been named the second most valuable club in world football by none other than the London School of Marketing. Which we assume is a bit like the London School of Economics, only not as exciting.

United, it says here, are worth £2,050m. What this number means is not clear, but none of that matters. What matters is that City are fourth, valued at a mere £2,000m. So that's how it feels to be small. Real Madrid come in first, of course, being worth £20m more, while Barcelona are worth a paltry £2,007m. Other Premier League teams include Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool at 6th, 7th and 8th, Tottenham in 13th, and then Newcastle and West Ham at 18th and 19th.

What's that? You're saying that one of these lists comes out every couple of weeks, nobody ever bothers to explain how they were calculated, and the numbers sound, frankly, as though they were plucked from the air, or maybe pulled out of somewhere ruder? Shame! Boo! Hiss! No cornflakes for you.