Usain Bolt abandons his United dream

A sad day, ladies and gentlemen. Usain Bolt, the fastest man in the history of fastest men and noted Top Red, has gone back on his word and decided that he doesn't want to play for Manchester United after all. Like many, he was hit hard by the departure of Alex Ferguson, and Manchester's less-than-Jamaican climate has also played a part.

Watching Manchester United's forward line this season — Robin van Persie and Radamel Falcao creaking away next to one another while little Jimmy Wilson sits on the bench — it's been inescapable that one thing is missing above all others: pace. Proper, terrifying, puts-the-fear-of-Eric-into-defenders pace, the kind of speed that any decent United side has always had on the pitch somewhere.

So even though he's a sprinter, and even though he may have no footballing ability whatsoever, we're counting this as a significant blow. Anybody know who Asafa Powell supports?