Rooney "apologised" for diving, apparently

Before we get to the details, lets all take a minute to acknowledge that Thorsten Stuckmann is in possession of an excellent name. "Thorsten Stuckmann." If he wasn't in nets for Preston North End he'd be chopping down trees, or carving faintly erotic abstract sculptures from giant blocks of marble. Thorsten Stuckmann. That's a man who gets things done.

Now, to business. Following on from United's 3-1 win on Monday night, Stuckmann has been chatting to the Sun about Wayne Rooney's Disgraceful Act of Simulation That Shamed His Club, His Nation, and His Sport:

After the game Rooney told me: 'Sorry, it was my chance to get a penalty. I had to use that.'

This would be a touch surprising, since most footballers would rather relinquish control over their image rights than admit to diving, no matter how egregious the offence or overwhelming the evidence. But then, we've not reason to doubt Stuckmann's word either. And he does have a very trustworthy name ...