Manchester United double bid for Real Madrid's Gareth Bale and Raphael Varane

I've a very important appointment - because I am a very important man - to get to, so let's be brief.

The Daily Mirror have a story that United bid £110 million for Gareth Bale and Raphael Varane, as part of the wider negotiations started by the David de Gea transfer. Apparently, Real refused the move out of hand, and are definitely not interested. For what it's worth, this story seems like a load of rubbish and has not been supported anywhere else. You can read it here, if you want to waste your time. As you're reading about transfer rumours, it seems you do.

Also in the Mirror is Robin van Persie accepting that he is approaching the end of his career, and he wants to make the most of the time on the pitch he has left by playing, but this is perhaps tempered by the importance of his family's happiness. Maybe they're happy in Manchester and he'll happily be a squad player if it means he gets the stability he wants. Look, if he can run, he can stay. Otherwise, get rid of him. That's here.

In the Telegraph, there's a story that United and Chelsea are both interested in Joao Miranda. Chelsea want him as a potential replacement for Gary Cahill, and United want him, because have you seen the state of their defence? It is abysmally bad for central defenders. You want to read more, then, so here it is.

Now, take a seat.

I've got some very serious and disappointing news.

Do you want to call your mother to make sure she can be with you when I tell you? OK, up to you.

Tom Cleverley isn't coming back.

I know, I know.

In the Manchester Evening News, it seems that Cleverley is signing a contract with Everton this summer. He's the English Iniesta, and it's a disaster for United that he is not coming back. Read here, and try to keep back the tears.