We lead with a story that a 14-year-old though she would die because of spicy crisps. You can read that hot potato in the Guardian, here.
Also in the Guardian, but much less vital and interesting than adventures in Scoville, is Bastian Schweinsteiger saying that he anticipates no problems with his fitness or being able to cope with the brainless running up and down that features in the Premier League so prominently. You can read about his optimism here.
There's been talk about Javier Hernandez being given another chance at United by Louis van Gaal, having discussed him in his last press conference. If you read the quotes in the Manchester Evening News, it becomes clear that all he does is explain why he was sent on loan last season, and United would have to fail to buy another striker for him to get a chance. So - Hernandez will stay only if he cannot be replaced by someone better, you would think. And finding someone better than Hernandez, with the amount of money United are throwing about, shouldn't be that hard.
Better news than the possible exit of Hernandez, even, is that United now have a way of getting Wayne Rooney out of the club before his contract ends. He's on £300,000 a week (if you believe the reports, it's really a fair amount lower than that), and no other European country should be daft enough to match that. Where that could happen, though, is the super-rich MLS designated player allowance, and he might be the kind of glamour signing a team might want. You can read his hints of accepting such a fate on ESPNFC, here.
Lastly, Kiko Casilla looks set to join Real Madrid as they plan for life without David de Gea for at least one more season - but don't get your hopes up until the transfer window closes. That story can be read here, in the Mirror.