Last night, Barcelona met Sevilla in the European Super Cup, a kind of continent-wide version of the Charity Community Shield that pits the winners of the European Cup Champions League against the winners of the UEFA Cup Europa League. And it was pretty good. Barcelona cantered into a 4-1 lead, collapsed back to parity, then scabbed themselves a win right at the death. Most exciting.
But you don't care about that. You're here for hot Manchester United content, injected straight into your thirsty brain through your questing eyeballs out of this syringe we call "The Internet". Well, you're in luck. It turns out that United transfer target Pedro actually plays for Barcelona! Who knew? Here is the Busby Babe's comprehensive, minute-by-minute scouting report on his evening.
Kick off! Can't see Pedro. But that's okay, because it was Sevilla kicking off, and you wouldn't really expect him to be involved there. Indeed, he actively managed not to infringe on the kick off, and so avoided conceding an early. Excellent, professional stuff.
2 min Goal Sevilla! And that's why you don't want to give Sevilla free kicks. Ever Banega curls one up and over the wall and the Andalucians lead. Pedro, for those of you worrying, did not commit the foul, was not in the wall and is not playing goal, and as such bears no responsibility for that goal. Encouraging.
7 min Goal Barcelona! This is silly. Barcelona win a free kick of their own down the other end, and Lionel Messi — Pedro having wisely and humbly decided to let the Argentine take it — flicks a Koeman classic into the net. We didn't actually see any footage of Pedro pointing out the keeper's dodgy positioning, but we can be fairly sure that he did.
10 min Pedro's very much playing a withdrawn playmaking role so far, pulling the strings while his more prominent colleagues hog the limelight and the ball.
15 min Goal Barcelona! Another freekick, another canny piece of delegation from Pedro, and another goal for Messi. Further out this time, so Pedro advises power over placement, and it works nicely.
17 min They're playing Georgian capital Tbilisi, by the way, which means they're 3 hours ahead of your correspondent in the UK and 2 ahead of Spain. Mind you, it certainly feels pretty late here. Shattered. Long day.
22 min Messi takes advantage of a lovely dummy run from Pedro to play in Rafinha, who tries to find Luis Suarez in the middle when he could have had a shot. The defence clears, but Sevilla are hanging on here.
23 min Do Sevilla ever call themselves the Orangemen?
24 min Probably not, on reflection.
28 min Goal Barcelona! Wait, no, it's been disallowed! Another dummy run from Pedro cracks the defence wide open — Sevilla's back four are having an absolute nightmare picking him up — and Jeremy Mathieu rolls the ball across the six-yard-box for Suarez to poke home. The linesman flags for offside — incorrectly, since Suarez was level with Mathieu and behind the ball — and the goal's ruled out. Pedro lets him know about his mistake.
31 min Sevilla get up the other end, but the knowledge of Pedro's presence spooks Michael Krohn-Dehli and he fluffs his shot.
33 min Sevilla and Barcelona exchange long shots. Pedro, knowing as he does that long shots are exceptionally unreliable source of goals, doesn't get involved. Sensible stuff.
42 min Goal Barcelona! That's your lot, Sevilla. That's your lot. Luis Suarez, entirely unmarked, charges into the opposition half, then into the opposite box. His shot is unusually poor, but he recollects the ball and slides a disguised square pass through the legs of the covering defender. Rafinha — unmarked, thanks to a cute, defender-distracting dart from Pedro — arrives and tucks the ball home.
45 min And that's the half. Barcelona are firmly in control, having scored three and looked capable of scoring at least twice that. As for Pedro ... well, he hasn't done much that you'd call flashy or eye-catching, but the scoreline and the performance are testament to his influence. He's not on the scoresheet in name, but he's all over it in spirit. Time for a quick power nap. See you in fifteen minutes.
46 min It has been brought to our attention that Pedro was not in fact playing in the first half. Luis Enrique left him on the bench after apparently informing Barcelona that he wanted to leave. This is ... well, this is quite embarrassing.
47 min Pedro hasn't come on.
48 min Pedro hasn't come on.
49 min Pedro still hasn't come on.
50 min Pedro still hasn't come on.
51 min Come on, Pedro has not.
52 min Goal Barcelona! This is done. A Sevilla defender, suffering a momentary brainfade, delivers the ball straight to Sergio Notpedro on the edge of the box. He knocks it through to Luis Notpedro, who plants the thing into the net.
53 min Might watch some Parks & Rec.
57 min Oh, hey, it's the one with the possum on the golf course.
63 min Ha. Possums.
65 min It's in Ann's house! It's free!
70 min Er, hang on. Twitter says Sevilla have got one back.
72 min Two back! What?
73 min Right, switching back to the football. This is exhausting.
74 min Pedro still isn't on, mind. Had he been on, would Barcelona have conceded those two goals in the manner that they did, whatever manner that might have been? No. No they would not.
78 min In an insult to dedicated Manchester United bloggers everywhere, Barcelona bring on Marc Notpedro to reinforce the defence. The best defence is a Pedro offence, Luis! Everybody knows that.
80 min I'm so tired.
81 min Goal! Sevilla have equalised! Just as your correspondent's eyelids were beginning to droop through fatigue and disappointment, the Europa League champions have completed their comeback. Marc Notpedro should deal with a throw-in, but he makes a complete Notpedro of himself and allows Ciro Immobile to escape down the line. He rolls the ball across the box and Yehven Konoplyanka positively saunters in behind the defence to equalise. God knows what Gerard Notpedro and Dani Notpedro were up to there.
89 min Lionel Notpedro, who's been coping admirably in Pedro's absence, almost scores a hat trick of free kicks. He's a long way out, almost 30 yards, yet his rasping effort had the goalkeeper comprehensively beaten. Just the wrong side of the post.
94 min The referee parps on his whistle, and we go to penalties.
Oh, God, they're playing extra time.
ET 91 min Might just rest my eyelids for a second here.
ET 92 min Mmmm ... that's better ...
ET 95 min ... so tired ...
ET 100 min ... mffpzzzzzz ...
ET 105 min ... hah, possums ...
ET 110 min ... no, Ann, that tickles ...
ET 376 min Aaah! What? What? Possums? What?
ET 377 min Oh, apologies. Must have dropped off there. Did we miss anything?
ET 378 min Oh look, Barcelona got a winner.
ET 379 min Hey, it was Pedro! Oh. Oh ... good. That's good. Er ... sign him up?