If a football match takes place but nobody awards the protagonists marks out of ten, did it really happen? No. Fortunately, we've got United covered here, and the three points will stand. You're welcome.
David de Gea: 7
Nothing to do for most of the game, but still made three excellent saves with his feet. It's just so nice having him around. It makes you feel safe. Warm. Protected from the cold outside.
Matteo Darmian: 6
Moved over to the other side of defence and did nothing wrong.
Daley Blind: 8
A performance to please both schools of centre half thought, traditional and modern: for the former, he nearly knocked himself cold when winning a header; for the latter he played a gorgeous, glorious, goal-creating pass to crack the game open.
Chris Smalling: 7
Solid. Sound. Still runs kind of funny.
Antonio Valencia: 6
Actually showed some willingness to get forward and overlap, which was nice. Can't cross though.
Michael Carrick: Michael Carrick
Michael Carrick. Yes, we're doing this joke again. No, it won't be the last time.
Morgan Schneiderlin: Michael Carrick
Memphis Depay: 6
Almost the classic "exceptionally promising youngster" performance: some lovely touches, one glorious run, and lots and lots of slightly off decisions. He's going to be great though. It'll all be fine.
Wayne Rooney: 5
Piss-awful in the first half. Improved a bit in the second, though not by much. Scored a goal! With his knee, and mostly by accident.
Juan Mata: 7
Ah, lovely Juan. Made the first with a cute, selfless touch, then scored the third with an emphatic smack into the roof of the net. Everything's going through him at the moment, which is fine, as long as he keeps playing well.
Anthony Martial: 8
Didn't score, but put in arguably his best performance since joining the club. Obviously, young players should be given time and space to grow — see: Depay, Memphis — but it's exceptionally difficult when they turn up and play like fully rounded adult footballers. Is he thriving on the new responsibility? Is he just genuinely fantastic? Either way, he's got pretty much everything you could want from a lone striker: he holds the ball up, he runs at and past people, and he knows that if you're crossing to Wayne Rooney, you might as well just try and bounce the thing off him. Don't give him any work to do. Take it down to brute physics.
Bastian Schweinsteiger (on for Carrick, 68'): 6
Gave the ball away at least once. But we can probably forgive him.
Phil Jones (on for Blind, 74'): 10
Managed not to contract the Black Death.
Ashley Young (on for Memphis, 77'): 6
It really is quite amazing how Young has gone from a self-regarding waste of space to a useful and welcome part of the squad. A heart-warming tale of personal redemption. Kicked the ball to Mata for the goal, which will do his personal stats no harm.
The Busby Babe would like to cordially remind you that taking marks out of ten too seriously can prove deleterious to your health.