Match ratings: Derby County 1-3 Manchester United

Where were you when it happened? When Manchester United shocked the world by arriving to play a football match, playing that football match competently, and then leaving at the end with an appropriate result?

David de Gea: 6

Couldn't really do anything about the goal; didn't have much else of any difficulty to do.

Cameron Borthwick-Jackson: 6

Generally calm, generally composed, generally competent. Hooray!

Daley Blind: 6

Passed the ball neatly, which is what he's there for, and "sniffed" his goal out nicely. Probably partly culpable for Derby's goal - it did come straight through the middle - but the BBC's highlights aren't working so we can't check. Which is annoying. So ... let's say a six?

Chris Smalling: 5

One excellent tackle in the box and a generally untroubled evening, spoiled only by the shared blame that the BBC requires all United's central players must take for the goal.

Guillermo Varela: 5

Like Borthwick-Jackson on the other side, he was fine. We've only marked him one point lower because his hair isn't as good.

Morgan Schneiderlin: 3

Sloppy passing is never a good look in a deep-lying midfielder. Nor is being the man in futile pursuit of an opposition goalscorer as he advances into the penalty area.

Marouane Fellaini: 4

Yeah.

Jesse Lingard: 6

His pace and workrate really do make a difference to United's presence, even if his contributions with the ball aren't quite up to scratch yet.

Juan Mata: 5

Sort of the opposite of Lingard, maybe? In that he made a couple of very telling contributions with the ball -- he was involved in Blind's goal, he took his own nicely -- but otherwise had a slightly claggy effect on proceedings. Now, if United could just splice them together ... mwahaha ... MWAHAHAHAHA.

Anthony Martial: 8

Usually double- and sometimes triple-marked, which is a compliment. Louis van Gaal was right to note that he wasn't quite at his best for the first twenty minutes, but he was pretty excellent for the remaining. Blood-twisting, exciting, and probably the only reason to watch Manchester United at the moment that isn't based on duty, habit, or the masochistic urge to flagellate the self.

Wayne Rooney: 6

Did a nice kick.

Michael Carrick (on for Schneiderlin, 74'): 5

Didn't reinjure himself.

Ander Herrera (on for Mata, 84'): ?

We'll be honest with you, here. We have absolutely no memory of this subsitution taking place. We've literally just learned about it from checking the lineups. This is deeply embarrassing, and on behalf of all of us here at the Busby Babe, we ... OH MY GOD! LOOK AT THAT! BEHIND YOU!

[door slams, feet run, car drives off]