José Mourinho given one match touchline ban

For the heinous crime of kicking a water bottle while being in charge of a football team, Manchester United manager José Mourinho has been given a one-match touchline ban and will miss tonight's game against West Ham United. He has also been fined £16,000.

This is just a touchline ban, so he will be permitted to enter the stadium, talk to the players, and communicate with the bench during the game. In his place in the technical area will (we assume) be Rui Faria, whose famously mild temperament and unflappable demeanour will set a far better example to any children that might be watching.

The water bottle, for its part, has been given a lifetime ban from Old Trafford, fined £750,000, and will be required to surrender its passport before all Manchester United and England games that take place abroad. Its defence — "I hadn't even got drunk yet" — was dismissed by the disciplinary panel.