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We don't know if you've been reading the press today, but it appears that United's win over Stoke City last night was thanks to one person above all others: Pep Guardiola. Yes, it was the "perfect response to City's Guardiola announcement," according to Sky, while the Guardian suggested that if news of the appointment "can galvanise Manchester United, then the rest of the season for Louis van Gaal and his men may be fruitful after all."
It hasn't stopped there, though. Oh no. Here are thirteen more ways in which Manchester United's players have been galvanised by the arrival of Pep Guardiola
1. On his way back from the game, Memphis Depay stopped at a petrol station to refill his car. Thanks to his newfound confidence, he was able to stop the counter exactly on a round number. Have some of that, Mr Next Manchester City Manager!
2. Cameron Borthwick-Jackson threw a crumpled-up recipt at a bin, and it went straight in. Are you watching, Guardiola?
3. Three times last night, Juan Mata put a USB plug into a USB socket. All three times, it was the right way up. In your face, Pep!
4. Marouane Fellaini finally worked out what the little Tetronimoes mean in The Witness. Has Pep? Has he bollocks.
5. Jesse Lingard couldn't sleep. He opened the door to his balcony and stepped out into the cool night air. He looked up at the stars smeared across the galaxy, at the black depths all around him, and experienced a sudden, dizzying revelation. He knees weakened, and he clutched at the balcony rail for support. Once he had steadied himself, his eyes widened in wonder. He felt, for the first time, that he truly understood his place in this world: that he was simultaneously the least and the most important thing ever to exist. The least, because on the scale of the galaxy he was a mere speck within a speck within a speck; the most, because it was only through his consciousness that he could come to this awareness. He realised, too, that this went for all humanity; that this is the commonality that binds a sentient species together. This is what makes us human. This is what makes us one. This is what makes us ... United, he thought with a slow smile. He went back to bed, wrapped in a warm and profound sense of belonging, and slept soundly.
Meanwhile, Josep "Pep" Guardiola got out of bed and trod on an upturned plug.
6. Wayne Rooney didn't forget about the teabag, leave it in the mug for ages, and have to throw it all away and boil the kettle again. Bet you feel small now, Mr Guardiola?
7. The little machine for making bank transfers was in the first place Daley Blind looked.
8. Louis van Gaal absolutely breezed through the quick crossword, and even got a couple of clues in the cryptic. Stick to the sudoku, Pep!
9. Today is bin day. Yesterday night, Adnan Januzaj remembered.
10. In an spur-of-the-moment change to his usual plans, Anthony Martial decided to take a quick walk this morning before training. As he strolled down the side of the canal, he noticed an almost perfect skimming stone: flat, smooth, weighty but not heavy, and with a little nick in one side just perfect for his finger. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven ... eight! A new record! Two more than Guardiola has ever managed!
11. Don't tell Guardiola, but Morgan Schneiderlin and five of his friends absolutely crushed King's Fall last night. Dispatched the Taken King like he was playing centrehalf for Liverpool.
12. Oh, Pep Guardiola won't like this! Chris Smalling has finally gotten around to alphabetising his CD collection! And he's remembered to sort them chronologically within each individual artist!
13. Who's got two thumbs and — much to Pep Guardiola's chagrin — has just finished cleaning the oven? Matteo Darmian!