HERE IS THE SCIENCE.
David de Gea: 6
Generally good, although we can't help but wonder if he could have been a little closer to the middle for Dimitri Payet's (admittedly exceptional) freekick. When the ball's that far out, the wall is less relevant, and so might a keeper perhaps want to commit less to one side? That last question is asked in full cognisance of that fact that tBB knows nothing about goalkeeping whatsoever.
Guillermo Varela: 6
Pretty good going forward, busy throughout, and pretty decent in defence as well, except for the first twenty minutes when West Ham enjoyed an alarming amount of space down United's right. Will probably be United's first choice rightback for the rest of the season, before Jose Mourinho arrives and brings Paulo Ferreira with him.
Chris Smalling: 5
Yeah, okay. But part of the problem Smalling has at the moment is that he's part of a central defensive partnership in which he's the only defender. You've noticed this. And so have other teams. Which means teams that come to Old Trafford tend to focus on the other bloke ...
Daley Blind: 3
... who is not a central defender, however much he tries to be. Totally lost Emmanuel Emenike for West Ham's best chance of the first half and looked shaky throughout. Also appears to have forgotten how to take corners, which is a bit of a shame.
Marcos Rojo: 4
The spirit is willing but the feet are ... uncooperative.
Michael Carrick: 4
It's becoming increasingly clear that the end of the season is doubling as Carrick's valedictory tour, and it's becoming increasingly clear that this is probably the right decision for everybody. Still, he kept passing the ball forwards, which was nice.
Jesse Lingard: 5
With Anthony Martial bubbling away, first on the other flank and then in the middle, the game rather passed Lingard by. At least, his game rather passed the Busby Babe back. Though we're willing to concede that might be our fault. Wait! He had a shot! That was okay.
Ander Herrera: 6
Looks so much more comfortable in a midfield 3 (as opposed to in either part of a midfield 2-1), for reasons we are far too stupid to comprehend but are happy to pontificate about. Busy and hardworking, if occasionally a touch careless in possession. Though not compared to ...
Marouane Fellaini: 3
We're not saying we agree with the crowd's decision to clap his substitution; it was a cruel thing to do. But we can absolutely understand it. Gave the ball away more than any other player on the pitch, on either side, and that's despite being a central midfielder in a team built around the fetishisation of possession. Which is the point, really. It's not that he's a terrible footballer or a terrible human being; it's that he's entirely the wrong footballer to be playing this kind of football, in this team, like this.
Anthony Martial: 7
Made Michail Antonio feel very uncomfortable all day long when playing a tricky winger, then moved into the middle and scored the winner with a lovely piece of striker's play. The finish was excellent, but so too was the movement through the box and into the right place at the right time. Has the brain to go with the feet.
Marcus Rashford: 5
Willing and hardworking, with occasional flashes of real skill and clever movement around the box. It's clear that the dream of a striker emerging fully-formed from the academy was slightly optimistic, but he did okay against a decent pair of central defenders.
Memphis Depay (on for Rashford 76'): 4
Another performance from the big file marked 'frustrating and odd'. Why, when he found himself free inside the box, on his right foot, having cut in from the left, he decided not to do what he always does and smack it as hard as possible at the goal, we'll never know.
Bastian Schweinsteiger (on for Fellaini 76'): 6
It's a little worrying that a just-returning-from-injury, possibly-a-little-heavy, definitely-a-little-old Schweinsteiger is what it took to inject an exta bit of bit of vim into United's midfield. But he's a proper footballer and there aren't many of those knocking around the squad, so maybe it shouldn't be surprising. Lovely block on West Ham's keeper for the equaliser.
Matteo Darmian (on for Varela 87'): 10
Look, if Louis van Gaal doesn't swap his fullbacks when he's chasing a game, then the world ends. So Matteo Darmian may have done nothing of note after coming on, but the simple act of doing so saved the entire planet. We're only sorry we can't give him more than ten.