David de Gea: 6
We don't know what he did to deserve all this. But it must have been awful.
Timothy Fosu-Mensah: 7
It's tempting to go overboard in praise for Fosu-Mensah's performance, given that: (a) he was essentially the only United player to emerge from yesterday with any credit; (b) he did lots of specific, individual things very well; (c) the score was 0-0 when he went off and 3-0 a few minutes later, two of the goals coming down the side he'd vacated; (d) he's a child; and (e) he's a fearless child. But he did spend a lot of time — whether by accident or design — drifting away from rightback, which dragged Juan Mata back and made United look very lopsided indeed. So we've settled on a 7, which means "pretty good, encouraging in the tackle, imperfect positionally, and virtually the only outfield player that we didn't want to see dropped into the Thames".
Chris Smalling: 3
A couple of decent blocks in the first half, but threw it all away with a moment of high comedy/low farce ahead of the opening goal. A defender goes up for a challenge under a high ball intending to win it, but knows that even if he can't do that, he has to prevent the other challenger winning it. Which is fine. Unless that other challenger happens to be ...
Daley Blind: 2
... your central defensive partner, since that just leaves the two of you lying on the floor while the opposition open the scoring. Poor Blind. Blind: poor. One half of the Banjax Brothers for the first goal, then entirely irrelevant as Erik Lamela slammed home the third. Also seems to have been taken off corners in favour of "not actually doing anything with corners", which is harsh review. But a fair one.
Marcos Rojo: 2
Had an excellent view of Toby Alderweireld, as Spurs' centreback jumped without impediment to score the second goal, and we can only hope that Rojo treasured this glimpse at what an excellent Premier League defender looks like. Because he won't be seeing one in the mirror for a long, long time.
Morgan Schneiderlin: 5
Okay for an hour, as United kept Tottenham's midfield distracted and slightly off-kilter. Then vanished just before Spurs opened the scoring and wasn't seen again. Wearing a collar with a chip. Answers to "Morgan". If found, please return to Old Trafford. Or, you know, maybe don't bother. Nobody seems to know what he supposed to do, least of all himself.
Michael Carrick: 4
The spirit is (presumably) willing, but throwing Carrick into a midfield battle against a team of Spurs' energy was like throwing a jointed and marinated manatee into a bathful of piranhas.
Juan Mata: 4
Had to do a remarkable amount of tracking back, which isn't really his game. This meant that Danny Rose essentially had the freedom of the left, and Mata contributed almost nothing in attack. Once again, it's hard to know who is to blame for that: the possibility that we might have to address the question of "Juan Mata, auxiliary wingback?" isn't really something the Busby Babe had ever contemplated, and we're at something of a loss. He's not a very good auxiliary wingback, we know that.
Jesse Lingard: 3
Busy without being useful. Like a bee, if you pulled its stinger and shaved off those pollen-gathering hairs and painted it red and attached weights to its legs and snapped a couple of its wings off and then gave it strict managerial instructions to "go and faff around in the middle for a bit or something, I don't know, I've completely lost the run of what I'm supposed to be doing here".
Anthony Martial: 6
Playing Martial on the left isn't necessarily a problem, as long as the team manages to get him the ball in useful and dangerous areas. The edge of the box, say, with one defender — or, dare we even think it, none at all! — between him and the goal. Then he gets to use his tricks. Then he gets to have the occasional shot. As it is, he spent most of his time marooned out by the touchline, facing the wrong way, and had to manufacture United's only shot on target himself by dribbling past four defenders. Yes, he missed. Yes, he could and maybe should have scored. But he would have been entirely justified in dribbling into the box, stopping, picking up the ball, turning to the United bench and shouting "You see what I have to do just to get here, you ingrates?", before hoofing the thing halfway to Seven Sisters, walking off the pitch, and catching the first plane to Madrid.
Marcus Rashford: 4
They all get Van Gaal-ed in the end, the poor lambs.
Ashley Young: 3 (on for Rashford, 45')
Isn't a striker. Didn't strike. So, job done.
Matteo Darmian: 1 (on for Fosu-Mensah, 68')
It's difficult, we assume, to come on as a substitute and immediately go from 0 to frenetic. And this was a frenetic match. But when you look at a substitute's performance, see that they were involved in all three goals conceded through various acts of negligence or sloppiness, and start to wonder if perhaps it might not have been best just to play with ten men, then it's clear that things haven't gone well.
Memphis Depay: 4 (on for Mata, 76')
We'd have given him a ten if he'd clocked Kyle Walker. At least that would have been funny.