Manchester United fans moved one step closer to never having to put up with Louis van Gaal's horseshit football and horseshit excuses ever again, with a dreary 2-0 win over Crystal Palace. The match was yet another forgettable display in a season mostly memorable for its moments of tragicomedy. Here are how the players fared, with a mark awarded out of ten (with the usual rigorous scientific precision).
David De Gea: N/A
I cannot say with 100% certainty that he was on the pitch for the entirety of the match. Did not touch the ball once during the first half, except to take a few goal kicks. But if he had been forced into action (if Crystal Palace weren't mentally on the beach), I'm sure he would've been brilliant. Nice haircut.
Antonio Valencia: 5
Now that we know Timothy Fosu-Mensah can do a commendable job at right-back, what is the point of Antonio Valencia? He didn't have to do much defending, and going forward he did his usual passable imitation of a fullback, without actually being threatening.
Chris Smalling: 5
Had very little to do, but handled Adebayor with ease. Didn't get injured.
Daley Blind: 5
This is just the kind of game that suits Blind at center back; he didn't have to do any of the messy defending business, and had all the time in the world to pick out those lovely passes. He even showed some charity to the watching audience by almost making a mistake once or twice, just so that we could remind ourselves that we were still alive.
Matteo Darmian: 6
Scored an absolute peach of a goal (goals going in off the post should count double), and set up the opener as well. Other than that, Darmian is a painfully mediocre footballer. He's not up to much in his favored position, but when played on the wrong side, he can be disastrous. Like so many other United players, he wasn't found out today because Crystal Palace were utterly abject.
Morgan Schneiderlin: 4
He didn't make many mistakes of note, but Schneiderlin maddeningly continues to play within himself. He was asked to cover a lot of ground today, as the lone proper midfielder in the team for most of the game. But even with United completely dominating proceedings, he still played like a man afraid of his own shadow.
Jesse Lingard: 5
It's nice having homegrown lads in the team, but let's face it. He'll never be good enough. If the most generous descriptor that can be bestowed on a player is that he's tidy, it doesn't bode well for his United future.
Juan Mata: 6
Buzzed around in vaguely menacing fashion, and combined well with the players around him. Had a few moments of quality, but it's hard to be too impressed given that the game was played like a testimonial.
Wayne Rooney: 5
Shoehorned back into the team for god-knows-what reason, and he showed exactly the kind of form that made many United fans call for him to be dropped months ago before he was mercifully injured. He did play a couple of his specialty lofted cross field balls that actually amounted to something, but mostly those long passes serve to mask his inability to go past defenders. His lack of match sharpness is to be expected, but it's not like his first touch was much worse than usual.
Anthony Martial: 6
Martial has been United's best outfielder this season, and easily the Reds' most dangerous attacking threat. He had the beating of whichever defender he came up against today, but his final ball was too often disappointing. Even looking a bit disinterested today, he was still the most likely source of inspiration.
Marcus Rashford: 7
One of the few bright sparks in a dull game and season. Despite being coached by Van Gaal for months now, Rashford still plays with joy and purpose. Looked dangerous every time he was on the ball. He should've scored on one particularly good opportunity in the second half, but it's easy to forgive some profligacy when he - like Martial - creates so much from nothing.
Memphis Depay (on for Rashford, 64'): 4
This season is a total write off for Memphis, I'm afraid. After a very brief spell in the early Spring where he started looking like the player we thought we had, he was inexplicably dropped, and now he's back to being rubbish. Always seems to take a second too long to do everything.
Ander Herrera (on for Lingard, 72'): 6
Herrera's reputation tends to be enhanced in his absence from the team, but this was a bright cameo. As usual, he injected a bit of urgency and invention.
Marouane Fellaini (on for Rooney, 78'): 5
Didn't do anything daft. One of his best performances of the season.