Louis van Gaal thinks he's going to be Manchester United manager regardless of his extensive failure. Jose Mourinho thinks he has an agreement with Manchester United to be the manager and has started house-hunting. And Real Madrid want Mourinho to be their manager in the event that Zinedine Zidane doesn't get through to the next round of the Champions League. I have linked to one of those stories here, but they are all in the Mirror.
Jesse Lingard is quoted in the Daily Mail as saying he would like to establish himself as a number 10, I am quoted here as saying I would him to establish himself at Newcastle United instead, please.
In the Manchester Evening News, United are linked to N'Golo Kante and Riyad Mahrez. But are they as good as Michael Carrick and Memphis? Yes, obviously.
On ESPNFC, Matteo Darmian says that Manchester United must finish in the top four, perhaps not understanding the fact that Van Gaal might be more likely to stay in a job if that happens. Anyway, given how Darmian crosses the ball, there's not much chance of him getting us anywhere near fourth.
The absolute state of this wibble in the Telegraph. Truly now, the worst newspaper for football coverage.