Manchester United vs Bournemouth, 2016 Premier League: Time, TV schedule, team news, online and live stream

Hello again. How have you been? Good. Oh, not bad, not bad. Working hard, hardly working. Say, did you pick up all of the pretend bombs? Because, you know, if we left one behind, that might cause a scene ...

... oh.

Oh dear.

Oh no.

[the complete absence of an explosion]

Good morning, afternoon or evening, and welcome to the Busby Babe's second crack at the last game of the season. Things have changed since we last spoke. Back then, United needed to win and hope City lost; now, given that City struggled their way to a heroic draw against Swansea, United still need to win. By nineteen clear goals. This, quite obviously, is not going to happen.

So, smaller targets. A point will see United move above Southampton into fifth and so ensure that they won't have to endure the indignity of the Europa League qualifying rounds. However, there's an FA Cup final looming, so don't be surprised if United go with the squad. Quite who that entails, we don't know. Be nice to see Andreas Pereira. He's got such good eyebrows.

OR PLAY A 2-3-5 AND GO FOR IT, LOUIS. NINETEEN GOALS. NO WORRIES. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE? YOUR DIGNITY? THAT'S LONG GONE. SORRY.

HOW TO WATCH

When: 20:00 UK time, 15:00 in the USA

Where: Old Trafford, Manchester

Television: Sky Sports One in the UK, NBCSN in the USA

Online: Sky Sports Go in the UK, NBC Sports Live Extra in the USA

This is also our Live Thread for the game, so if you're watching near a computer, do stick around and share the pain below.