Chelsea own the name of Manchester United's next manager

Just when you thought thing couldn't any stupider at Manchester United. José Mourinho's appointment as Manchester United manager is being held up by negotiations over image rights -- he has different watch, car and casino partners to the club, because modern football is amazing -- and, while it should all get sorted eventually, there's one wrinkle that is worth dwelling on. It appears that Chelsea own the rights to "José Mourinho". His name.

As such, United won't be able to use J*** M*******'s name on, for example, "domestic utensils and containers", or "sponges (not for surgical use)". His name will not be appearing on "party novelty hats", "ordinary playing cards" or "face masks being playthings", whatever those might be. Sounds a bit like sex masochism to us.

This will not halt his appointment, of course; nothing to worry about there. And in any case, it's clear that United aren't just going to throw their hands in the air and give up on monetising one of the most famous men in football. That's not what Commerce Taught By Matt Busby is all about! So here are a few alternatives for the club to consider. Do get in touch, Ed, if you're reading. Our rates are reasonable.

• The Vengeful One
• TAFKAJM
• Mourinho II: Mou Harder
• Mose Jourinho
• Mr. Manager
• Shine Our Mojo
• John Proctor
• The Portuguese Tactician
• The Eye-Poking All
• Schmep Schmardiola
• Rui Faria