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Why Manchester United absolutely must buy Gareth Bale

Euro 2016: scouting report: Could this little known Welsh youngster be the player United are looking for?

Matthias Hangst/Getty Images

Though Manchester United are ineligible for the Euros -- something about not technically being a country -- the Busby Babe has a scout in France keeping an eye for anybody that might improve the club. After Wales' delightful win against Slovakia and narrow loss against England, here's how Gareth Bale might fit in at Old Trafford ...


Is very, very, very, very, very good at football.

May be going bald. It appears that Bale's trademark samurai bun may, if television pictures are to be believed, be concealing an unwanted and unacknowledged area of follicular poverty. United, of course, have a grand tradition of badly concealed baldness, from Bobby Charlton's hinged combover to Wayne Rooney's transplants, and so we can conclude that his head just gets United.

Looks dreamy in red.

Made Joe Hart look silly. An early commitment to cross-town rivalry is always good to see in a potential signing.

Scores goals. I've been talking to some people out here and it turns out that scoring goals is extremely important when it comes to winning football matches. We might want to consider implementing a program of goalscoring, going forward. And also occasionally going forward, going forward.


Inflexibility. Against Slovakia, Bale played most of the game as a striker, up against the defensive line. This meant that he was far less effective than he can be for Wales, and suggests that when Louis van Gaal decides to stick him at, say, right back, or in goal, he may struggle ... hang on, Van Gaal's gone, hasn't he? Never mind then.

Almost certainly has no intention of leaving Real Madrid, where he is happy and successful.

Be good though, wouldn't it?


Ah well.

Give them a ring, Ed, just in case.