Though Manchester United are ineligible for the Euros -- something about not technically being a country -- the Busby Babe has a scout in France keeping an eye out for anybody that might improve the club. After a series of successful public appearances, here's how Super Victor might fit in at Old Trafford ...
Has a cape. Capes are fun.
Seems a pleasant lad. While the devil is certainly traditional, and Fred the Red has done admirable work in the field of giving out high-fives before matches, it might be time to ask if United's brand might not benefit from something more ... clean-cut. We're not here to tempt fans with earthly delights in exchange for their immortal souls, after all. We're here to persuade them to choose United for their footballing, cinematic and instant noodle needs.
The name "Victor" is a clever pun. "Victor" means "winner", see? Whereas "Fred" doesn't mean anything. It's just a name that somebody made up to rhyme with "Red".
No double meanings. Super Victor absolutely does not share his name with an extremely large sex toy.
Is French. So: could go Cantona, could go Bellion.
The horror. Has the blank eyes and frozen mouth of one who has looked too long into the dark places of the universe and come face to face with the unspeakable things that lurk there. He utters no sound, but his face screams louder than any noise, booming deep into the soul: I have seen too much. Do not ask me what I have seen. I have seen ... too much.
Wears blue. Though this could probably be fixed. Do we have an official paint partner?