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How to be the best Manchester United fan you can be

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Eat United. Drink United. Drive United. Work United. Live United.

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It's difficult, sometimes, isn't? You lie there at night under your Manchester United duvet, your unsleeping head cradled in your Manchester United pillow, gazing up at the ceiling as the hands on your Manchester United clock chip away at the smallest hours. Am I Manchester United enough? you ask yourself. Is there anything I could be doing to be more Manchester United?

Do not fret, dear reader. Manchester United's dedication to amassing sponsor upon sponsor means that you — yes, you! — can now live an entirely Manchester United-supporting life. No more worrying that you're supporting the partners of other clubs; no more fretting that some corner of your existence isn't entirely Red. Here is our guide to being the United fan that Ed Woodward wants you to be. Just a few tweaks to your lifestyle, and you will be able to bask in the knowledge that every pound, dollar or euro you spend is, in some roundabout way, going to the right place. Mino Raiola's pocket.

Transport

Let's start with the basics: getting around. Those of you living in most of the world will, naturally, be buying yourself a shiny new Chevrolet as soon as the opportunity presents itself, then outfitting it with Apollo Tyres and filling it up at the nearest Gulf Oil petrol station. However, if you live in Thailand, then a Honda motorcycle makes an acceptable alternative. Indonesian fans may, if they like, look to Achilles Radial for their tyres, while fans in Taiwan and China can do the same with Federal. But you'll all have to be flying Aeroflot when it comes to the longer journeys.

Alternatively, if an ordinary car is not suited to your terrain or personal brand, you can pick up a tractor from Yanmar. Just look at this magnificent beast, then start hoping that Apollo make tyres big enough:

Clothing

So, you're mobile. But as you cruise along in your tractor, what are you wearing? Again, for most of the world the answer is obvious: Adidas, from head to toe, from underwear to outer, from Monday to Sunday and round again. (Except you lucky South Koreans, who can wear Sbenu shoes if you like.) But even the mighty three-striped Germans can't supply every need, which is why you'll be able to supplement your wardrobe with "outdoor apparel" from Columbia, "leisure headwear" from New Era and "formal footwear" — or "shoes" — from Heroes. Curiously, United don't appear to have a formal clothing partner, so try to avoid getting invited to any weddings or nominated for any awards. Adidas don't do black tie.

Work

The obvious solution here is to work for whichever of these fine companies is closest to ... hmm, Manchester United don't have a housing partner ... your parked Yanmar tractor with the Columbia-branded tarpaulin stretched out against the wind. But as we all know, there are 659 million Manchester United "followers" around the world, so this probably isn't a universal solution. Fortunately, United have everything you need to equip your own small business: you can equip your office with Epson, paint the walls with Kansai, and get DHL to handle the logistics. Then you can insure the whole enterprise with AON. Sorted.

... hmm? What will your business actually do? Why, import Yanmar tractors, of course.

Leisure

All work and no play makes Ed a dull boy, and you'll be needing to relax. Luckily for us all, the partnership between Manchester United and Twentieth Century Fox means that United fans have access to some of the modern world's finest television and cinema. Like, er, this:

Beyond that there's all the wandering up and down hills you'll be doing in your Columbia walking boots, all the running around you'll be doing in your Adidas trainers, and and all the money you'll be wasting with United global betting partner Marathonbet. Most relaxing. If the Yanmar tractor business is doing well, then perhaps you could take an Aeroflot out to one of Donaco's casinos, while those of you in Japan can enjoy social gaming with Gloops. Which sounds moderately revolting, but we assume it's fun.

Obviously, you're already a member of the Hong Kong Jockey Club. Who isn't?

Food

Before we go any further, an important question. How do you feel about noodles?

You love them? Excellent. You'd like to eat them for every meal: breakfast, brunch, elevenses, luncheon, afternoon tea, high tea, dinner, supper, and maybe just once more if you wake up in the middle of the night and feel a little peckish? Well, that's a relief. Because Nissin noodles are the beginning and the end of United's global food tie-ups, so you'd better get used to them.

The noodlephobic among you will either have to relocate to Korea — United's website doesn't specify which one, but presumably South — where you can mix things up with some Ottogi ready meals, or one of Cambodia, Laos, Myanmar, Vietnam or South Korea again, where you can indulge in Eurofood confectionary. Though that might be just as good for you as the noodles.

Drink

United's worldwide drink selection is twice as expansive as their food offering, which is to say that you've got two options. Aperol before your noodles, then Casillero del Diablo's wine range with. Those of you in Nigeria can supplement this with soft drinks from Chi; the rest of you, just remember that friends don't let friends drink and drive Yanmar tractors.

Health

Far be it from us to second-guess the marketing mavens at Old Trafford, but a diet of noodles, Aperol and wine doesn't sound too precisely balanced. The lack of an official fruit and vegetable partner is going to start biting at some point, and there isn't a worldwide solution. United fans lucky enough to live in Japan can bolster their diets with Manda nutritional supplements, while those in Korea and Vietnam can self-medicate with Cho-A Pharm. In China, IVC are United's official wellness partner, and since that literally means the opposite of sickness we assume it must be good. And in Indonesia, Singapore and Vietnam, United have a male shampoo partner in Unilever. You may not feel well, but your hair will look good.

The rest of us will just have to throw ourselves on the mercy of the nearest hospital — assuming, that is, that they use Toshiba medical systems. If not, then perhaps another glass of Casillero del Diablo? The pain will subside eventually, one way or another. Tell my family to bury me in my Yanmar tractor.