David de Gea: 4
We don't know enough about goalkeeping to truly know whether De Gea should have attempted to stop the first goal with his hands or his feet, but it definitely looked a bit odd. Also looked uncharacteristically insecure at times, most notably when falling over Chris Smalling for what should have been the opening goal.
Antonio Valencia: 6
On the basis that the first two goals came down the other flank and the third after he'd been taken off, we are happy to name Valencia as United's Defender of the Game.
Eric Bailly: 4
Made to look very silly indeed by Isaac Success late on. Perhaps he was distracted by just how wonderful a name "Isaac Success" is. That would make sense.
Chris Smalling: 4
At least Claudio Bravo and John Stones had the excuse that they'd only just met. De Gea and Smalling have been working together for years. You'd think they'd have worked out a call by now.
Luke Shaw: 3
Mourinho criticised his pressing for Watford's second after the game, to which we might add that, with reference to Watford's first, haring off down the wing and leaving a colleague to cope with two opponents isn't the most sensible course of action, particularly when said colleague has just taken a serious blow to the head and clearly has no idea where the hell he is, what the hell he's doing and why the hell this round object is bouncing up and down in front of him. Mind you, when there's so few people in the team haring anywhere at any sort of pace, it's hard to be too annoyed.
Marouane Fellaini: 4
We're inclined to suspect that Fellaini was dropping into the defensive line on instructions from his manager — an extra man against an actual front two, perhaps — which would mean that the blame for leaving first Etienne Capoue and then Camilo Zunga all on their own to score might best be allocated elsewhere. Still, he learned as the game went on, and by the time Isaac Success trundled into the area and around Eric Bailly, there was Fellaini, covering the supporting run. Probably shouldn't have kicked Zuniga in the shins, though. That wasn't very clever.
Paul Pogba: 3
His shot from distance dipped wickedly and made a really satisfying twang noise as it came back off the crossbar. That was about it.
Anthony Martial: —
Seems a bit harsh to give the lad a mark given that he was fouled for the opener, and shouldn't have been on the pitch anyway. So we didn't.
Wayne Rooney: 3
Operation Give Him Enough Rope status: entering Final Phase.
Marcus Rashford: 6
Whatever's going on inside the heads of the rest of the squad, United's gnawing self-doubt has so far failed to get hold of Rashford's finishing. Which is handy, really, and more than makes up for the rough edges in his wide play.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: 5
Some nice touches in the second half when dropping deeper, but saw his best chance saved by Heurelho Gomes and twice lacked the pace to take advantage of balls behind the Watford defence. Which isn't his fault, obviously, but given how rare goals are even for teams playing well, an inability to punish mistakes from the opposition is less than ideal.
Ashley Young (on for Martial, 38'): 6
After Ander Herrera against City, it's becoming a bit of a theme: Mourinho brings on a substitute, the substitute runs around more than everybody else, and then Mourinho praises him for running around more than everybody else. If only there were some way these substitutes could be used from the start.
Juan Mata (on for Valencia, 62'): 5
Embarrassingly failed to score a half-hour hat-trick and win United the game.
Memphis Depay (on for Shaw, 85'): —
Embarrassingly failed to score a ten-minute hat-trick and win United the game.
A cordial reminder that taking marks out of ten too seriously can damage your health.