David de Gea: 7
United's best player for a fair chunk of the game, which says quite a lot about the quality of the game. Made a couple of excellent saves from Manuel Lanzini, and got out well to close down Michail Antonio in the second half.
Antonio Valencia: 5
Solid enough at the back, against a team that basically abandoned attacking. Up the other end, inexplicably bodged a near-open goal. Silly Tony.
Phil Jones: 6
If he did exaggerate the impact from Sofiane Feghouli's challenge, as suggested by Slaven Bilic, then we probably have him to thank for giving Manchester United a huge advantage and giving the rest of the world a deeply boring game of football to watch. Thanks Phil!
Marcos Rojo: 5
If memory serves, then it was his misplaced pass that led to Michail Antonio's great chance at 0-0. If it doesn't, then we apologise to Marcos Rojo and his family.
Matteo Darmian: 5
Got forward plenty but didn't cross very well, then got taken off at half-time. Not one he'll be dwelling on in the months and years to come.
Michael Carrick: 6
Fine, albeit limited in his long passing options by the depth with which West Ham were playing. As necessary as Carrick is to this United side, games where the opposition have ten men behind the ball aren't what he's here for.
Ander Herrera: 6
Also fine, also not at his best when confronted with a massed defence. Less of a lockpick, more of a brick through a window.
Paul Pogba: 6
Worked hard for an hour with limited success, then — once United were ahead and West Ham had to allow him a little space — flourished into an attacking threat. Could easily have added the second on a couple of occasions.
Jesse Lingard: 5
Ran a lot but didn't offer much, and couldn't react quickly enough when faced with an open goal. Didn't make much of an argument for a starting place.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: 6
Had a quiet game as United failed to create much, then slammed home an emphatic finish from an offside position. Give the man a rest, Jose, for God's sake.
Henrikh Mkhitaryan: 6
Failed to get much of value out of a congested game, though he did put the ball on a plate, covered in gravy, with mashed potatoes and vegetables for Valencia. Who proceeded to spill it all down his shirt.
Juan Mata: 7 (on for Darmian, 45')
Could and maybe should have come on immediately after the red card, though that might have been a bit harsh on whoever he replaced. As well as bringing a little necessary imagination to United's build-up play, he took his goal well, and is developing an extremely useful habit of making important contributions in tight games.
Marcus Rashford: 8 (on for Lingard, 58')
Man of the match despite only playing the last half hour -- which says quite a lot about the match, if we're being honest. But he had a job to do an executed it perfectly, and his pace and trickery won United the game.
Chris Smalling: 5 (on for Mkhitaryan, 65')
Your correspondent completely forgot that this substitution even happened, which suggests Smalling didn't do anything awful. Or, perhaps, anything at all.