Hello, good morning, and welcome. You're looking lovely today. New haircut? No? New scarf? Yes, we thought so. Padding? This. No, not at all. We just wanted to make sure that you, dear reader, know that we appreciate ...
Oh, fine. We're padding. We kind of have to. Because it's transfer deadline day, and Manchester United probably won't be doing anything.
Well, probably not. Though there are plenty of exciting, interesting and deliciously expensive names linked with Manchester United, including Antoine Griezmann up front, Tiemoué Bakayoko in midfield, and Victor Lindelöf at the back, none are likely to turn up today.
The general consensus in the press and elsewhere is that Jose Mourinho thinks there are improvements to be made to the squad, and United's hierarchy are minded to agree, but the latter prefer to wait until the summer and the former isn't so disgusted with his current options that he's going to make a big thing of it. So keep your horses dry and hold your powder. We'll have to save the hashtags until the sun comes out again.
Well, probably not. Though Mourinho suggested on Sunday that Ashley Young might be available, the Manchester Evening News — who reported last week that he would stay — have today noted that this came as a "surprise" to Young, who has turned up for training as usual.
Beyond him, it appears that Bastian Schweinsteiger is back in the fold and soon to be added to the Europa League squad. The departures of Memphis Depay and Morgan Schneiderlin haven't exactly left United with a thin squad, but we can see why the club might not want to let anybody else go.
As for Wayne Rooney, the Chinese transfer window doesn't close until February. So no rush there. WINKY FACE EMOTICON SMILEY FACE EMOTICON CRYING FACE EMOTICON.