Wayne Rooney and Anthony Martial still missing for Manchester United

Not a huge surprise, but nevertheless disappointing: one of Manchester United's most exciting, capable, and talented attackers will miss tonight's must-win (or at least, must-not-lose-or-score-draw) game. Oh, and ...

[extremely obvious punchline screams through the atmosphere and lands with a wet slap on the floor]

... Wayne Rooney's missing too.

According to Manchester United's official website — and it really should know — both Martial and the Roonster are still struggling with the knocks that kept them out of the FA Cup stramash against Chelsea. They quote Jose Mourinho explaining that Martial ...

couldn't be selected for the Chelsea match and, if you are injured for the Monday night game, you're injured for the Tuesday morning training session. And if you are injured for the Tuesday morning training session, it's not because of today that you can be able to play on Thursday. So he's out of my mind.

As for Rooney:

Rooney is injured. He had some kick in his knee area, so he can't even come out to the pitch. He stays inside the medical department.

Where it's nice and warm, and that angry Portuguese man can't get in and start kicking his knee area again.