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Manchester United want to sign £40m Eric Dier and £90 Antoine Griezmann


England Training and Press Conference
I have a massive face
Photo by Dan Mullan/Getty Images

Today is Brexit day. We celebrate Britain's return to an ignominious era of racism and other bigotry, cut off from modern science and happiness with the success of others. No more teamwork. Just children littering the streets, dead from measles and scurvy, while the government of the day finds ever more obnoxious ways to vilify foreigners and, probably, women.

How will that affect Manchester United? We can only hope they relocate to Germany, or another less terrible country, and carry on without England. Until then, the news.

Bastian Schweinsteiger has the right idea, he's left this awful country to get out to Chicago Fire, where... ah, there's Donald Trump. Still, at least he has his German passport when things get properly terrible.

Manchester United want to buy Eric Dier from Spurs for £40m (this will not happen), and Antoine Griezmann from Atletico Madrid for about £90m (this could happen). Both would make excellent signings, with the English Dier holding the advantage of not having been brought up in this godforsaken wreck of a place.

Kylian Mbappe, a target for Manchester United, has received praise from Didier Deschamps. At just 18 it is hard to imagine that he would be the only striker that United bought unless Zlatan Ibrahimovic was going to stay for another year. It would also suggest that Marcus Rashford could be sold or loaned out to make room, which doesn't fill the heart with joy. Still, Jose Mourinho is very good at his job and I, as you can tell this very instant, am not.

That's it. We're all doomed.