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Manchester United plan Eric Dier transfer

Manchester United are interest in Tottenham Hotspur's versatile Eric Dier.

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Tottenham Hotspur v AFC Bournemouth - Premier League
Go to Manchester United. I hate you now.
Photo by Dan Istitene/Getty Images

Zlatan Ibrahimovic has options. He has an offer from LAFC for £5m a year, in order to quit Manchester United in the summer and leave them to their own devices. I never get to do this, really, so forgive me: As I exclusively revealed in January's soaraway Yahoo in January. However, there's one detail which might please United fans and Jose Mourinho - he would be available to return to United on loan.

According to this story, Manchester United have told Real Madrid that they intend to sign Barcelona striker Neymar. Neymar was last seen in tears after Barcelona were knocked out against Juventus, despite their constant attempts to cheat and dive their way to success.

The Daily Mail report that Wayne Rooney is back in the United squad for the game tonight against Anderlecht. He's at the Lowry Hotel, where they have very expensive wine and presumably some pretty decent room service. Rooney probably won't feature, unless Mourinho fancies some sarcastic management.

The Telegraph think that United will eschew the chance to sign Michael Keane - a sell-on clause would give United the chance to beat pretty much any team to his signature if he was willing to return - in order to bid for Tottenham's Eric Dier. As long as United keep their homegrown quota and get rid of Phil Jones and Chris Smalling, I don't care.

And finally, the Glazers gave $250,000 to Donald Trump for his presidential inauguration. So, United now fund racism, misogyny, the rollback of LGBT rights, stupid economic ideas, white supremacy and all kinds of horrific policies. Glory! Glory!