Jesse Lingard signs new Manchester United contract

Hello, fellow kids! Dab on ‘em, am I right?! Jesse Lingard has signed a new Manchester United contract. The new deal, which ties Lingard to the club until 2021, is reportedly worth somewhere between £80-100,000 per week. Some people will complain about the size of the wages, but those people are bad and wrong. A lifelong United fan from a working class background has managed to secure lucrative employment at his dream job, and is squeezing a few more thousand pounds a week than he’s probably worth from the parasite capitalists who whore the club out for money at every opportunity. Good for him.

If United are meant to return to the pinnacle of European football, Lingard is nowhere near the requisite quality, of course. But he’s an England international who has scored in cup finals and broken through the ranks at the biggest club in the country - he’ll have his fair share of suitors when it’s time for him to be moved on. Read about José Mourinho’s logic on handing Lingard a new deal here.

Mourinho has also made a decision on the future of Adnan Januzaj. “Yes, I have decided but I am not telling you,” Mourinho said, somewhat cryptically. Januzaj, who has been underwhelming at Sunderland, and was booed by a section of the home crowd last weekend, has had questions raised multiple times over his application. The talent that saw him break through under David Moyes over three years ago is still there, but at this point, we can safely assume that his United career is over.

Speaking of former next-big-things from United’s academy, Kiko Macheda has a feature at ESPN FC, discussing that goal.

United treble-winner and current club ambassador Andy Cole has had a kidney transplant. Best of luck to him in his recovery.

According to Gazzetta dello Sport, United are readying a £51m bid for Croatian winger Ivan Perišić. Why Inter, who are awash with cash under new ownership, would want to sell is anyone’s guess. We’re not even sure Perišić is any good.

“When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east,” said Mirri Maz Duur. “When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. Only then will we stop discussing the possible transfer of Antoine Griezmann to Manchester United.” In today’s update, Griezmann’s adviser has admitted that United have been in touch over the striker’s availability. He hinted that United’s participation in the Champions League could be an important factor in Griezmann’s decision, and that Chelsea, Manchester City, and Barcelona have also made inquiries.