Manchester United target Kylian Mbappe

Manchester United are interested in Kylian Mbappe, but they face competition from Real Madrid and Manchester City. United should be able to offer first team appearances pretty much from the start, given Zlatan Ibrahimovic is unlikely to be kept on - despite United's wishes - and because Marcus Rashford isn't enough to lead the line for a whole season. Let's be honest, we can expect Anthony Martial to do one in the summer too, which is a shame because he can be magic.

People seem to think that David de Gea is leaving United after posting a generic well-meaning message on Twitter. Given there is plenty to sort out even if he has decided he wants to leave, I think we can hold onto our nuts (if you want, and if you have them) until something more concrete occurs. Nevertheless, it will be a kicker to said nuts if he does indeed leave.

Angel Gomes, a child, replaced Wayne Rooney, a retiree, on Sunday during the match against Crystal Palace. He posted a picture of the two of them together many years ago, when Rooney was still absolutely brilliant. Sadly, Gomes as a six-year-old player is probably more use than Rooney is now.

Who scored the best goal of the season? I would have to say it was Olivier Giroud, because it might lead the absolutely mediocre striker to stay at Arsenal, to hold them back, and because it made absolutely no difference to another absolutely pointless season. Absolutely.

And, lastly, Manchester United will not celebrate their triumphant double if they do indeed squeak past Ajax on Wednesday night. Instead they will remain at home, scowling, huffing, looking at Twitter every two minutes for distraction, and drinking entire bottles of undiluted, double-concentrate Vimto to try and glean some vague, distracting sugar rush.