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If you thought 3 o'clock in the afternoon, British Summer Time, was just another hour of the day, then you need to think again. It is in fact The Wayne Rooney News Hour, and to mark this momentous moment, the Guardian, the Independent, and the Telegraph have all simultaneously published updates on the Roonster's future.
Hmm? Embargo? Never heard of him. One of the Ajax lads?
Anyway, short version: Rooney's off. Speaking after the Europa League final, United's captain told the press that he had "more or less" made up his mind on his future, and asserted that he still thinks he can be a first-team player:
I still believe I could [play every game]. If you’re asking me if I’m a better player now than I was 10 years ago then obviously I’m not but I still feel I’ve got other qualities that can help the team.
Given that Jose Mourinho clearly disagrees, that would seem to be that. More than five hundred appearances, 253 goals, and he goes out in style, giving away a throw-in with his chest as United sit on a two-goal lead against a load of children lifting his eleventh trophy. No, Jose, the Charity Shield doesn't count.
Still, we don't have to worry about Rooney committing the ultimate betrayal. "I’ve played for two Premier League clubs and they’re the only two Premier League clubs I’ll play for." Hard luck, West Brom. Hard luck indeed.