Manchester United chase Ryan Sessegnon

More vile drug abuse claims centering around Manchester City today. In 2010, when Carlos Tevez was freed from the shackles of probity associated with players like Luis Nani, managers like Alex Ferguson, and a club like Manchester United, he was using Bradley Wiggins-style TUEs to use prohibited performance enhancing drugs. And, needles to say, Pep Guardiola is now manager of City. I don’t think anymore needs to be said here.

Could Cristiano Ronaldo finally make a move back to Manchester United after being hit by an ‘incomprehensible’ five-game ban, which makes no sense at all after all he did was shove a referee after a red card. It’s totally incomprehensible. Anyway, no, Ronaldo will almost certainly not be making his way back to United unless they’re drawn against Real Madrid.

I can’t tell what Phil Jones is meant to have said to a UEFA official here. Either it’s an abusively homophobic term, or just an abusive one. We should probably hope for the latter, but you know what they say about your heroes ultimately disappointing you. And, let’s be frank, who is more heroic than Phil Jones?

Manchester United are no longer required to stay at the Lowry hotel overnight before home games. I can also exclusively reveal one piece of libellous news regarding Manchester United and the Lowry hotel: [redacted after an extremely violent and impressive tussle with Brent Maximin].

According to this, United no longer need Zlatan Ibrahimovic after their two games of playing well against guff opposition. While there is a clear uptick in performances and attitude for now, there’s no room for complacency over the course of a potentially long season.

Ryan Sessegnon continues to attract the interest of Manchester United. At just 17, the £25m-rated player might not get his desired move to Spurs, so United are hanging around.