Which transfer should Manchester United hijack?

It’s transfer deadline day, and you know what that means. Time to hijack some deals, baby! Let’s see whose days United should be ruining.

Alexis Sánchez

(supposedly going to Manchester City)

The big one. The “going to them” one. The "oops! you spent too long haggling over the price and we swooped in!" one?

Yes, on the field, Sánchez prima donnas around with the face of a man who can't believe the nonsense he has to put up with. Yes, stories have recently appeared concerning his divisive presence in the dressing room. But the latter seem, at least to tBB's cynical hivemind, like some feeble propaganda on Arsenal's part. And the former? Simply the natural consequence of playing for Arsenal. Give him Paul Pogba and Phil Jones to run around with. He'll be fine.

Thomas Lemar

(apparently going to Liverpool, having been briefly going to Arsenal)

Two reasons. One, everybody else is getting somebody lovely from Monaco and it's not fair, dammit, we want to play. And two, it's rare that a transfer would simultaneously annoy both Arsenal and Liverpool fans. Too good an opportunity to pass up.

Riyad Mahrez

(on his way to somewhere mysterious)

We demand maverick dribbling geniuses who occasionally crack the game open as if it were a ripe watermelon but are just as likely to vanish into the tiny spaces between the blades of Old Trafford's grass, and we demand them now.

Diego Forlán

(en route to Middlesbrough)

Boro are interested, but we reckon he's gettable. Turn his head with thoughts of Old Trafford, promise him more money, and make sure he knows that Roy Keane knows what he looks like. Get Alex Ferguson down to the airport. Make it happen.

Marcelo Salas

(definitely leaving River Plate)

Look, it still hurts, okay.