Manchester United plan Gareth Bale transfer next summer

Manchester United have included Zlatan Ibrahimovic in their Champions League squad. While he isn’t anticipated to be back to fitness until the turn of the year, given his remarkable progress already made, perhaps it’s worth a punt on him defying medical science yet again. What a man.

Marcus Rashford effed up early in England’s World Cup qualifying match against Slovakia last night, but it was his excellent goal which gave England the winner. Rashford, sadly, is English, and it’s not fair on him that he’s lumbered with the rest of the clowns around him. Phil Jones didn’t play badly, either. Just how many more days can that last?

One of the very worst pundits in the world, ex-Arsenal simian Martin Keown, thinks that England should be playing Rashford on the left wing. Regardless of whether or not Keown has come up with the right answer, his working is probably him just hitting two pieces of flint together and getting scared.

There’s a story here about Cristiano Ronaldo, who Alex Ferguson apparently let be kicked in United training in order to toughen him up. Yes, ex-players, ex-managers, this really is a slow day for news.

Aha, tittle tattle! Manchester United missed out on Ronaldo’s return this summer because Kylian Mbappe did not want the pressure of being his direct replacement. As a result, he decided that a move to Paris Saint-Germain, along with Neymar up front, would be the best option for him at his age. In turn, Real suggested to United that they try a deal for Gareth Bale instead. Bale, however, wasn’t minded to leave Madrid and come back to England - despite Bale somehow still not having learned Spanish. Instead, United are considering a bid for Bale in the summer, which makes no sense - buy Antoine Griezmann, as he’s clearly much less Brexit.