Praise for Michael Carrick as he plans his retirement

There’s praise for Michael Carrick, who is retiring at the end of the season. In truth, he retired after defeat in Rome in the Champions League for at least three seasons, and only really excelled again under Louis van Gaal when he was asked to play at a ludicrously slow place. Carrick was often Manchester United’s best midfielder, but that is an indictment of the fact that United never really bought a decent midfielder after him - except Owen Hargreaves - for about a decade after he joined. Carrick is apparently going to be a United coach soon, which is worrying: he managed to learn absolutely nothing in two decades as a player. He finishes as he began his career - a brilliant mid-range passer without any other talent.

Axel Tuanzebe hasn’t had much chance for first-team action this season, so he is going to go on loan to Aston Villa for the rest of the season. He’ll be managed by Steve Bruce, who might have his downsides but he’s not the buffoon he is painted as.

Jose Mourinho plans to use Alexis Sanchez across the attacking positions. There’s not much interesting to say about this, but we nevertheless battle on as a distraction against the inevitability of death. Still, at least he might score some nice goals for us this season, providing yet another distraction. Living the dream!

When my grandfather was diagnosed with diabetes, his first reaction was to go out for a lunch of deep-fried spam. That deep-fried spam, even after excretion, would have more insight on the Sanchez transfer than Arsenal’s very own Hellboy, Martin Keown.

Lastly, Mourinho has refused to be drawn on speculation for a move for Cristiano Ronaldo. In some ways, then, this shouldn’t be included in a news round-up, as it is an absence of news. Fin.