Manchester United linked with Real Madrid’s Toni Kroos

Jose Mourinho has said that Paul Pogba is due to feature for Manchester United against Sevilla tomorrow night. United have travelled to Spain, and had to play Michael Carrick and Scott McTominay against Huddersfield in the FA Cup. Pogba was sick for that game, and with rumours about aggro between Pogba and Mourinho, another absence would have led to some serious speculation. However, it appears that things aren’t too bad on that front just now.

Both United and Tottenham Hotspur are supposedly interested in Gareth Bale this summer. Bale reportedly knows he is for the exit door in a few months, and so a return to England, either to Old Trafford or his former club, is being rumoured. Why United would spend a huge wang of money on him, when at 28 and injury-prone, there are loads of better options, is unclear. Having said that, Ed Woodward is a risible buffoon, and likes shiny things - so we can rule nothing out. Antoine Griezmann would be a far superior option to play in a vaguely similar position.

Sevilla’s coach has suggested that the only way to stop Alexis Sanchez is to tie him up with rope. Let me be the first to say that this would be a clear, obvious and serious contravention of the rules of football, and that UEFA should launch an immediate investigation into this vile potential foul play. I feel physically sick.

In the Guardian, David Squires has had a pop at Catalan ethnonationalist and assaulter of managers, Pep Guardiola. Guardiola has, you’ll be shocked to know, been cleared of wrongdoing over his ludicrous carry-on last night, the risible hypocrite.

And lastly, Manchester United are eyeing up Toni Kroos as a replacement for perennial weak link and duff chancer, Michael Carrick, in the summer transfer window.