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“Why are you acting so messed up to me?” asks Luke Shaw

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“Wow”

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Premiere Of Warner Bros. Pictures' 'Father Figures' - Arrivals
“Nice comeback!”
Photo by Rodin Eckenroth/Getty Images

If you are a youngster, you will appreciate the Panini scrapbook. If you are above 12, you will also remember them, but have outgrown the need for such things. Unless, of course, you are part of the generation who can not only do things ironically for enjoyment, but also those who are either clueless or self-aware enough in order to just do whatever you want, given it harms basically nobody. If you want pictures of Paul Pogba which are both sticky and shiny, and of other United players, then get ready to pony up £800 to complete the set.

After a season of Jose Mourinho moaning that Manchester United’s ground is pitifully quiet, and after a decade of United fans pointing out that young people have been priced out and replaced by day-tripping fans happy to come and gawp without joining in, something might actually be done. There are to be heavily discounted season tickets for 18-25 year olds in the lower Stretford End as the club attempt to get - you’d hope - local fans who can come and create an atmosphere.

“Why are you always picking on me?” asked chief clown Luke Shaw, who can’t get a regular first-team place because he can’t follow instructions, stay fit or keep the weight off. With Kieran Tierney, Ryan Sessegnon, and literally any other defender a more reliable presence than Shaw, it would be a decent time to just arrange a transfer for him now so we never have to see his face near or with the club ever again.

And lastly, Shaw and Paul Pogba will have talks with United manager Mourinho before the game against Swansea, where United could open up a gap between them and Liverpool and finally start to drag City back at the top of the table before a glorious triumph.