Paul Pogba: I have no problem with Jose Mourinho

Exciting news for Manchester United. Their ex-player Zlatan Ibrahimovic is feeling so at home in Los Angeles that he is considering a move into Hollywood acting once he retires. It makes sense, in a way, given he is essentially a second-rate Eric Cantona. That’s not an insult, by the way: if you could be a second rate version of anyone in the world, then Cantona is a better template than anyone else you could choose from.

Scott McTominay came to the assistance of Antonio Valencia after Manchester United’s defeat of Tottenham Hotspur in the FA Cup semi-final on Saturday. It’s quite sweet in some ways, and another it is entirely meaningless. Because of the nature of social media, everyone has decided it is literally the greatest thing of all time, ever, and will never be usurped.

Exciting news, again, for Manchester United. Midfielder Paul ‘Paul’ Pogba has said that he has no problem with Jose Mourinho. His performances of late suggest that he has decided to make use of his exceptional talent, and that augurs well for United, Mourinho and the player. A decent World Cup should set him up well for next season after injury and poor form. Just in time to set him up with a 2019 transfer to Real Madrid.

The Football Association have said sorry for making a harmless joke about Chris Smalling being able to keep Harry Kane in his pocket for game on Saturday. It’s a bizarre world we live in when a few people can’t have a joke about something that really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, but there we are. We are going to be relentlessly hit from every angle with this kind of distracting guff until we are found dead, upside down and in a soggy ditch. Happy April!