Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of the Mourinh-O-Tron™ 3000!

Dear MR WOODWARD

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a refurbished Mourinh-O-Tron™ 3000! We hope you’re looking forward to many months of acceptable management.

Your Mourinh-O-Tron™ 3000 has a guaranteed* working life of at least three years. However, please note that the Mourinh-O-Tron™ 3000 is a delicately balanced product and some early signs of degradation may, in rare cases, appear before 36 months.

Here are some common signs that you may observe, along with steps you can take to address them.

Disingenuous muttering

There will be times when your Mourinh-O-Tron™ 3000 emits strange, unpleasant, inappropriate words. We strongly suggest that you do not attempt to understand or analyse these words: testing reveals that they are often irrelevant, frequently illogical, and often contradict previous mutterings. For the same reason, do not respond, or ask for further explanations. Nothing good will come of this.

Occasional audible ventilations such as these are a normal part of the operation of the Mourinh-O-Tron™ 3000 and are used to maintain internal pressure at a constant and acceptable level. We suggest simple agreement, and perhaps a change of subject.

Making a right mess on the carpet

When planning a special event — a preseason tour, a cup final, a local derby — you may find that your Mourinh-O-Tron™ 3000 takes what appears to be an inappropriately negative tone. Please be assured that this is standard operating procedure for the Mourinh-O-Tron™ 3000, which will always seek to frame sporting endeavours within the appropriate context of broad human misery.

However, should you find this process begins to affect morale, or commercial revenue, then we suggest minimising the Mourinh-O-Tron™ 3000’s contact with the press before or after such events. There may come a point where even the most patient of potential customers will decide that the Mourinh-O-Tron™ 3000 is a little wearing.

The same thing, over and over and over again

The internal processes of the Mourinh-O-Tron™ 3000 are finely balanced, and are designed to shift from time to time. Variations in apparent mood, from happiness through to sadness, are to be expected and are an essential component of the Mourinh-O-Tron™ 3000’s operations.

As such, should your Mourinh-O-Tron™ 3000 appear to be caught in one mood for too long — for example, utter misery for a year or more — it is possible that some internal recalibration is required. Our recommended solution is to spend upwards of £50m on a slightly taller, significantly older version of a footballer you already employ.

Please be advised that this solution may only last for so long. Should repeated applications of this remedy fail to cure the mood of your your Mourinh-O-Tron™ 3000, a replacement may be required. You can visit our website for the latest in managerial technology; however please note that the Mourinh-O-Tron™ line has been discontinued due to a lack of wider interest.

* Please note that this guarantee is void in cases of fire, flood, earthquake, misadventure, tiredness, post-Madrid ennui, the arrival of a sovereign wealth fund in the same city, playmakers who don’t tackle, Liverpool having fun, and full backs who simply will not stop getting injuries however many times you shout at them.