Manchester United still haven’t signed anyone

*Checks when I last did a post*

Right, well it seems like I should probably get my act together.

*Puts down can*

*Picks can back up*

*Drinks last 0.0000002ml of beer*

*Puts can down*

Jose Mourinho says that he wants two more players. The chances of them coming to the club, even if they cost £0, were amazing, wanted to come and were the best players in the world, are slim when you consider that Ed Woodward is the man in charge of things. Until proven otherwise - and this works for much in life, not just United, assume rank incompetence will ruin everything.

*Picks up another can*

Mardy bum Anthony Martial has deigned to turn up to training. It’s the textbook aggro move from Martial, and fair play. Nobody will really want to have a pop at him for spending time with his kid, because they will look like a prize a-hole. But being obviously late back to training after requesting a move is almost certainly a deliberate goading of Jose Mourinho. Let’s hope everyone gets the move they want before the end of the transfer window, because this is dull now.

Romelu Lukaku is back too, and he has had only kind words for Mourinho. He’s one of the-

*drains can*

-one of the few players to have been an unquestionable success in his first season at United. If he cranks back into form then things will look a lot different and the mood could change at Old Trafford pretty swiftly. The team - if you ignore the awful back four - are a pretty decent bunch all told.

It seems as if nobody is going to sign anyone anymore, with Leicester City boss Claude Puel confident of keeping his England international central defender, Harry Maguire. United need to pull their finger out or a miserable implosion to sixth place is on the cards, and then we’ll have to hire Sam Allardyce.

And erstwhile United target Alex Sandro could be on his way to Paris Saint-Germain. It’s indicative of the state of United that players who want to come, who are for sale, don’t actually join them if they aren’t glamorous enough for Ed Woodward. The whole club has become a risible waste of time, and the sooner he’s booted out, along with the Glazers, the better.

*Picks up a can in each hand*