Good morning. In less than eight hours, football transfer muppets from here will join others from around the world. And you will be ending the largest banter battle in the history of football. “Football.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests.

Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July Ninth of August, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom… Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution… but from incessant transfer rumors. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. To watch actual football in peace, without the constant looming threat of some nobody on Twitter re-posting a thinly-sourced third-hand rumor of a new signing.

And should we win the day, the Ninth of August will no longer be known as National Peacekeepers’ Day (seriously, Google it, it’s a thing), but as the day the world declared in one voice: We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish from social media and online message boards without a fight! We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive the constant transfer speculation! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!

Ladies and gentlemen, today is the Premier League summer transfer deadline day. Finally, our long international nightmare will soon be over. Sort of, anyway. Although Premier League clubs will no longer be able to register players after Thursday, players can still be transferred to clubs outside of England’s top flight until August 31st. Players can also join and leave on loan.

What time does the transfer window close?

The Premier League summer transfer window slams shut at 17:00 UK time on Thursday, which is noon on the east coast of the USA, and 9:00 AM on the west.

Who have Manchester United signed so far?

Fred: The Brazilian midfielder with the decidedly un-Brazilian name joined from Shakhtar Donetsk before the World Cup. From his pre-season appearances, he looks to be a handy addition, providing some much needed creativity from a deeper midfield position.

Diogo Dalot: The teenage right-back signed from Porto is currently injured, and has only made a handful of senior appearances in his career. Although highly-rated and apparently able to offer cover at both full-back positions, anyone telling you with confidence what to expect from such an unknown quantity is lying.

Lee Grant: The third-string ‘keeper was signed so that Joel Pereira could gain first team experience out on loan. Unlikely to make a single meaningful appearance this season. If he does, it means we’re in trouble.

Who has left Manchester United so far?

Daley Blind: The perfectly fine but never really good enough Dutch utility man has done one back to Ajax.

Sam Johnstone: The academy graduate goalkeeper has finally been permanently moved on to West Brom.

Fringe youngsters Axel Tuanzebe and Joel Pereira have gone on loan to Aston Villa and Vitoria Setubal, respectively, alongside a few other lesser known loanees.

Who is rumored to join Manchester United?

We need a center back. Toby Alderweireld from Tottenham Hotspur is the most promising rumor. Leicester City man Harry Maguire (why exactly?) has been heavily touted as well. Former City man and current Bayern Munich crock Jerome Boateng is another name to pop up recently.

Who is rumored to leave Manchester United?

Marcos Rojo seems to be the most expendable of all our crap center backs. Everton, Wolverhampton Wanderers (what a window they’re having!), and Paris Saint-Germain have all been linked. Matteo Darmian wants to return to Serie A in search of regular football, but he may be forced to stay to cover for the injured Antonio Valencia until perhaps the end of the month.

Timothy Fosu-Mensah has been linked with another loan move, and apparently neither José Mourinho nor the player himself particularly want Anthony Martial at United anymore. With no attacking reinforcements on the horizon though, the Frenchman is likely to stay put for now.

Live Updates

05:00 — Ed Woodward has yet to pull his finger out.

09:33 — You know who isn’t excited about the big TDD? Jose Mourinho, that’s who. Apparently it’s “time to stop thinking about the market”, and he isn’t expecting anybody to come in.

09:34 — So, er ... what’s everybody having for tea tonight?

10:20 — We should probably draw your attention to this, a rumour that ultimately runs back to France’s L’Equipe. Apparently United are one of the three clubs, along with Wolves and Spurs, nosing around PSG’s left-back Layvin Kurzawa. No expert on the player, but we did enjoy this from Google’s auto-translate:

another PSG player is well concerned by the British follies of the moment, namely the left-back Layvin Kurzawa

Follies indeed.

11:05 — Right. According to Sky Sports News, United have decided to launch a late bid for Atlético Madrid and Uruguay’s orc-in-chief Diego Godín. This seems ... unlikely. Not that United might be interested, since he’s excellent, but that Atleti would sell. He’s really good.

Still, watch this space. We’ll see. Remember that Spanish clubs have until the end of the month to buy and sell, so it’s not like Atlético would suddenly be left with a hole in their squad.

11:36 — We’ve scribbled down a few thoughts on the potential Godín transfer here, although our last note might be incorrect. Apparently Godín’s release clause is extremely cheap, around €18m. Still not sure it’ll happen, mind.

11:47 — A man from the BBC is here to stop our fun.

12:11 — Some quotes from Alexis Sanchez over on ESPN. Apparently he “would have liked that [United] had signed many more world-class players”. You and us and everybody else, Alexis. But he does add that he’s been very impressed with Fred and Andreas Pereira, so that’s nice.

12:20 — Claude Puel, bringing the banter: “I can confirm [Harry Maguire] is going to Manchester. But only for two hours when we play there on Friday.”

12:25 — Thibaut Courtois has signed for Real Madrid. This means David de Gea is like a new signing. #WelcomeDavid

14:00 — Here is the news at 2 o’clock.

BONG. BONG.

There is no news.

14:14 — Diego Godin. Jaap Stam. John Charles. Titus Bramble. Francis Duku. Alessandro Costacurta. Aldair. Valeny. David May. Toby Alderweireld. Bill Foulkes. Mark De Man. That big giraffe from the Coco Pops advert. Harry Maguire. Harry Maguire (just the head). Harry Maguire (the rest of him). One of those pitchside inflatable things with the flailing arms that look a bit like Peter Crouch in a moment of high excitement. None of these people will be joining Manchester United today.

14:23 — It’s the news you’ve all been waiting for, folks! Just a few hours before the transfer window will slam shut, Manchester United have stunned the world by announcing the arrival of ...

... A NEW APP.

Actually, didn’t Bayern Munich once trail a similar app as an actual new signing? Promised a big announcement, got a load of journalists along, frothed up Twitter nicely ... and then pffffftt.

14:54 — Read any good books lately?

16:20 — mmf, shnngh, mmmm, zzzz, no, no, why would you play Clayton Blackmore there, mmmm ... oh! Gosh, I’m sorry. Dropped off there. Er, where were we? Ah yes: NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

16:45 — Brent here. Andi, I’ve just started “Sing, Unburied, Sing” by Jesmyn Ward. Also, it seems our Timbo is off to Fulham on loan. Good for him, I guess? But even less cover at right-back now.

17:00 — BONG. BONG. BONG. BONG. BONG. And that’s your lot. Manchester United have ended this window with the signings of Fred, Diogo Dalot, and Lee Grant. Safe to say that’s not quite what Jose Mourinho was after. Up to him to make the best of what he’s got.

This will be our open thread for the day, so join in the comments to discuss the action, and we will update this post with any breaking news.