Cristiano Ronaldo should be clear to face Manchester United — reports

Panic not, fans of The Narrative. Calm down, content cravers. Yes, Cristiano Ronaldo was sent off for Juventus last night. Yes, it was apparently for doing something violent to somebody else. But no, he won’t be suspended for Juventus’ trip to Old Trafford in October.

At least, that’s what the Guardian reckons, and who are we to argue? It’ll be one game and done, according to their information, meaning Ronaldo will miss a home game against Young Boys but will be back for the home and away games against United.

Your correspondent hasn’t actually seen the incident, but it’s been described by a colleague as “touching a fella’s head”, which doesn’t exactly sound like the most heinous of assaults. There are 22 heads roaming around a football pitch, after all, and touching one of them from time to time is pretty much unavoidable.

So, relief! “Ronny’s Coming Home” week isn’t in any danger, and the parade can go ahead. How are you planning to celebrate? Here at tBB we’re going to change our name to A Place Ronaldo Played Once, Thank You Ronaldo. Or APRPOTYR for short. Pretty catchy, we think you’ll agree.

Also: face tattoos of Ronaldo over our own faces. It’s the least that the great man deserves.